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Awfully Good: Big Money Rustlas

08.07.2013

The 14th Annual "Gathering of the Juggalos" begins today, so now seems like an appropriate time for…

Big Money Rustlas (2010)

Director: Sam Firstenberg
Stars: Violent J, Shaggy 2 Dope, Ron Jeremy

The Insane Clown Posse meets WILD WILD WEST.

I am not a fan of the Insane Clown Posse. Aside from the "f*cking magnets, how do they work?" viral video, I haven't listened to any of their music. I didn't even know they dabbled in film until recently. However, I do like any movie that opens with "Diff'rent Strokes" star Todd Bridges getting blown away by a shotgun. So there's that.


Peter Parker was less upset about letting that crook go when he found out Uncle Ben's real name.

In 2000, ICP made a movie called BIG MONEY HUSTLAS, which was a low-budget 70s cop exploitation movie. I suspect this follow up film, released a decade later, is a western because RUSTLAS is the only thing they could rhyme with HUSTLAS and that was as far as the clowns' creativity could stretch. Still, as much as I hate to admit it, I laughed more than once at BIG MONEY RUSTLAS. It's unbelievably bad, but in a fun, almost charming way. Everyone seems to be in on the joke and understands how stupid it is. (The scene where Shaggy 2 Dope pimp slaps a horse will stay with me forever.) The filmmakers also have the gall to drag out the dumbest jokes for an insane amount of time. There's a scene where a character fights a little person dummy that goes so long it jumps from funny to awful and back to funny again. I also suspect that most of this movie was made up as they went along, as it has that slapdash vibe of throwing everything against the wall and seeing what sticks.


Dustin Diamond wearing a toilet seat. Is there any greater metaphor for Screech's career?

Probably the most entertaining aspect of RUSTLAS is the utterly random collection cameos from D-list celebrities, none of whom are worked in to the story gracefully. Aside from Todd Bridges, you get Jason Mewes as a deputy who constantly pisses himself, "Saved By The Bell's" Dustin Diamond as a guy who gets blown up in a portapotty, Vanilla Ice (who gets literally one line), Ron Jeremy, wrestler Jimmy Hart, Bridgette Nielsen, Jimmie "JJ" Walker and the romantic interest—played by porn star Bridget the Midget. Perhaps most random, however, is when a character randomly stumbles upon Tom Sizemore, who plays himself. Perhaps it was flattery that persuaded Sizemore to take part in this, as they spend the entire time discussing his career and how great he is.


This frame represents the entirety of Vanilla Ice's role in this film.

Amongst all the randomness and stupidity, there is a story. The film follows lone cowboy Sugar Wolf as he returns home to the town of Mud Bug to clean things up and avenge the death of his late father at the hands of villain Big Baby Chips. Sugar Wolf's secret power is the ability to pimp slap people at an incredible rate and even from across the room. In order to fight this, Big Baby Chips calls in assassins, like The Ghost, an albino guy with laser-shooting eyes, and The Foot, some dude in a wheelchair with a giant appendage who smells awful and keeps yelling, "I'm The Foot, bitch." (It's really, really dumb, but the simplicity behind The Foot's approach cracked me up.) There are also a couple of ridiculous twists I won't spoil, suffice to say this movie stays stupid until the closing credits. Shaggy 2 Dope and Violent J are obviously terrible actors, but pretty much no one else comes off well here either. Even the more veteran performers constantly look off screen as if to say, "Did I read that correctly off the cue cards?"


Yes, this is a clown dressed as a baby getting whipped by a little person. Just so you know what you're getting yourself in to.

I don't know if I can recommend that you run out and immediately watch an Insane Clown Posse movie, but if you happen to stumble upon it on TV one day and have the means to put yourself in the correct "mood," you might be pleasantly surprised.

Some vulgar one-liners and the hit country song "I Wouldn't Let His Pecker Near My Butt."

Sugar Wolf displays his expert pimp slapping on man and beast, The Ghost attacks Screech from "Saved By The Bell," The Foot shows off his skills, and the world's most one-sided midget fight.

There are two porn stars in this movie, yet neither show any skin.


This movie has characters named Raw Stank, Dusty Poot and Dirty Sanchez! Buy it here!

Take a shot or drink every time:
  • There's a cameo
  • You see a horse's butthole
  • Someone refers to a woman as "bitch"
  • Violent J says "motherf*cking monay"
  • Someone howls
  • Jason Mewes pees himself or says "Oh crap"
Double shot if:
  • The town's population changes

Thanks to Eric for suggesting this week's movie!

Seen a movie that should be featured on this column? Shoot Jason an email or follow him on Twitter and give him an excuse to drink.

Source: JoBlo.com

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