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08.06.2008by: Jim Law

Comic Con Hotties vs. Geeks (2008)

Why is it if a girl dresses up like Supergirl and steps on to the floor at Comic Con she's considered hot, but if the dude right next to her is wearing a Superman costume we call him a f*cking loser? Don't answer, I don't really care. That's just the way it is. I'm done pretending I can report real news. It's time for me to get back where I belong, throw up a couple pictures of boobs, write half a paragraph, and call it a job. If I wasn't standing in a ridiculously long line, drunk off my ass, or sleeping on my shower floor (Hard Rock Hotel = Greatest. Showers. Ever.) this past weekend I was recording our trip for you, the guy that couldn't be there. I'm good like that.

10. Bug Guy vs. Purple Girl

Don't get on me about not knowing who these people are dressed as. It's too early for that shit and I couldn't care any less than I already do. Bug Guy. Purple Girl. Deal with it. Anyway, Purple Girl might have a gun but Bug Guy seems impenetrable. His giant chrome dome looks intimidating enough to win this battle alone. If that doesn't work - headbutt. GEEKS 1 - HOTTIES 0

9. Spidey Dick vs. Mohawk Chick

This Spider-Man dude was at the Dicks Last Resort where we had our annual JoBlo.com dinner Saturday night. In all the confusion of an all-out paper & napkin war we were having with about six other tables I mistakenly nailed this guy in the neck with a tightly rolled paper bomb. He rushes over and says "Hey! No throwing stuff at the staff!" I say "How do I know you're staff, you're wearing a fucking Spider-Man costume!" So fuck this guy. GEEKS 1 - HOTTIES 1

8. Shazam vs. Red Girl

This is a tight one. Seems Shazam has no problem with the detail that costume is displaying around his frank & beans. So what if he just flew out of a closet and travels with a slightly less-gay version of himself, it takes balls to wear that shit in public. And there they are. Red Girl is just barely avoiding those torpedo tits being shot at her by that rough looking Vietnamese Wonder Woman. She laughs in the face of danger, she...... wait, is that a cigarette? GEEKS 2 - HOTTIES 1

7. Cobra vs. The Swedish Energy Drink Squad

This is a slaughter. The girls might be hopped up on Frank's Energy Drink but Cobra doesn't fuck around when it comes to representing at the Con. Especially when they actually have a movie to promote. Ammon's goofy mug isn't helping matters. I'm pretty sure he gets sawed in half with some crossfire. This is getting ugly. GEEKS 3 - HOTTIES 1

6. A Giant Donut vs. Our Hooters Waitress

This might be closer if that stupid fucking donut made any sense at all. It's about 9:00 pm in the Hard Rock lobby. We're waiting for an elevator in a security area where only people with room cards get through. What the hell is he doing there? There's no way his sprinkled ass is fitting in the elevator. There's no donut stands in the lobby. And again, Ammon isn't helping matters. Our waitress though, now that's some good shit. I wonder if she was impressed when I beat The Arrow in arm wrestling 34 times in a row. To be completely honest, Arrow did smoke me using our left hands, but the way I look at it, that's like being really good at walking backwards. Hooters rule. GEEKS 3 - HOTTIES 2

5. Captain Rhythm vs. Bitch Slap

Ammon and I wander in off the street to this DC Universe Online party Wednesday night and this dude follows us around for an hour. I'm not sure if it was because we were the most famous people there or Ammon's tight fitting jeans. The BITCH SLAP girls were walking past us, saw my JoBlo.com sticker, and ran over and asked "Are you guys with JoBlo?" When I woke up they were taking pictures with us and giving us free shit. It's all tied up Bitches. GEEKS 3 - HOTTIES 3

4. Barf vs. The Cleavage

I'm last in line (again!) to get Simon Pegg's autograph and some chick gets behind me and starts talking to me like we're an item. I'm already pissed-off and I enjoy talking to strangers as much as I enjoy falling on knives so I calmly excuse myself from the line and start for the "wherever". I turn around and it's Barf! I went from asshole to fanboy, lightspeed stlye. The Cleavage wouldn't even look at us. GEEKS 4 - HOTTIES 3

3. Optimus Prime vs. The Atom Ladies

Prime definitely has some hard work and detail going for him. However, when I asked him to transform he just looked at me like I was an asshole. I am an asshole, sir, and that's why you just lost to these chicks I stumbled upon while absolutely shit-faced during preview night. Maybe next time you'll learn how to become a big rig tough guy. GEEKS 4 - HOTTIES 4

2. Superman vs. The Ghostbusters

I'm loving how it looks like this Superman dude just rolled out of a executive meeting, changed in his limo, and is living out a lifelong dream by being there. You know what I love more though? How it looks like one of those smoking hot Ghostbusters chicks is farting out Slimer. And he's ecstatic about it. GEEKS 4 - HOTTIES 5

1. Elivis Stormtrooper vs. The Wrath of Con CRANK 2 Girls

I knew it would come down to this. A friendly icon in battle gear versus the chicks with tape on their nipples. One optimizes the fun nature of the Comic Con crowd, the other is why I go. You fought hard geeks, there's no shame it that, but there's no beating free drinks, the JoBlo.com crew, and enough side boob to hold my wallet. It's the perfect mix. GEEKS 4 - HOTTIES 6 HOTTIES WIN! HOTTIES WIN!

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