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09.15.2005by: Jim Law

Top 10 Scholastic Moments

Welcome back to school. As much as I hated going to class, there are things I'll never forget from my academic career. Raiding Mom's liquor cabinet before the big dance. Making the rookies on the basketball team dress like slutty cheerleaders. Admiring the development of the female body and not feeling creepy. Hollywood has captured some great school activities over the years and with any luck you'll be able to experience some moments like these in the upcoming semesters (minus the ones that include death and carnage). So good luck, and when that graduation day comes filled with executive career opportunities - keep me in mind. I'm going to have to get a real job one of these days.

10. Mitchapalooza - OLD SCHOOL (2003)

Every school needs a "Frank the Tank". Discussion about visiting Home Depot and Bed, Bath, & Beyond quickly turns out of control as Frank (Will Ferrell) devours beer after beer and loses his pants. After interrupting a concert by Snoop Dogg, Franks decides it's time to go streaking by himself. Mitch (Luke Wilson) doesn't do to bad for himself either by bagging the seventeen year old Darcie (Elisha Cuthbert).

9. Sex Education - VARSITY BLUES (1999)

When Mox (James Van Der Beek) takes his teammates out to the local strip club to blow off some steam, the last thing they were expecting was seeing their Sex Education teacher's boobs. Miss Davis (Tonie Perensky) greatly increases her chances for teacher of the year by dancing for the boys and then having a few brews with them afterwards. Sadly, none of my teachers looked like Miss Davis so if I ever spot any of them on stage I'll end my life then and there. Pardon me while I shiver.

8. The Triple Lindy - BACK TO SCHOOL (1986)

Make farting noises with armpits, jump from the high platform to a springboard, to a sideways double flip with knees tucked to the lower springboard, a reverse single flip back to the first high springboard, a back flip on that springboard, ending in a two and a half forward tuck dive into the water. That's how the great Rodney Dangerfield saves the day.

7. Sandy! - GREASE (1978)

Look around your class. Within every geeky bookworm is a gorgeous sex driven hottie waiting to explode. Just remove the ponytail, add leather, and insert a cigarette. As Danny (John Travolta) is busy turning himself into varsity athlete, Sandy (Olivia Newton-John) is getting horny. She dumps the silver spoon for a bikini wax and some eight inch pumps and strolls into the school fair looking like an out of place hooker. Who the f*ck has a school fair?

6. Class B - BATTLE ROYALE (2000)

Don't ever let your teacher see this movie. Randomly chosen, the 9th grade class at Zentsuji Middle School wakes up in the middle of a deserted island and finds out that their class trip has went really, really sour. For three days they'll do nothing but try to stay alive and kill all their classmates. Kitano (Takeshi Kitano), their former teacher turned psycho, informs them of all the rules while throwing a knife into the brain of one girl who can't keep her mouth shut and activating a bomb around the neck of another. Jeez, all our class did was go to Toronto.

5. O Captain, My Captain - DEAD POETS SOCIETY (1989)

Walt Whitman would have been proud (and probably sued someone's ass) in the final moments of Professor John Keating's (Robin Williams) career at Welton Academy. Most classes would be thrilled with a substitute teacher for the day but these boys became men under the persuasive eye of Mork and decided to pay him back the only way they knew how - poems. I pulled this stunt in gym class once and was beaten about the neck and face for six hours.

4. Double Cheese & Sausage - FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH (1982)

With devastating bouts of munchies continuously making him late for class, Spicoli (Sean Penn) decides to order in. I wonder how many early eighties stoners tried this in their high school and ended up ruining their lives by getting expelled. I also wonder how Sean Penn can portray one of the funniest characters in film history and then, twenty years later, be as fun as a bag of sharp rocks.

3. Glory Hole - PORKY'S (1982)

A few things to listen for in this absolutely brilliant scene; 1. When commenting on the exquisite nudity of the showering girls, Billy offers "I've never seen so much wool. You could knit a sweater." 2. After Pee Wee f*cks everything up by yelling at the "Lard Ass", Tommy sticks his prick in the hole and introduces it as "Polly the Penis, and 3. Upon inspecting said penis, Wendy, the dirty girl that she is, proclaims "Hey, I know that guy." This is what R rated comedies are all about folks. Somebody should be taking notes.

2. They're all gonna laugh at you - CARRIE (1976)

It's weird how much this scene reminds me of my own prom. You know, without the telekinetic mayhem, bucket of pig's blood, blazing explosions, epic death toll, John Travolta, and The Greatest American Hero. Carrie's (Sissy Spacek) creepy mom told her not to go to prom but as is with most teen age girls, a new dress and the chance to finally get laid will go a long way. I wonder what graduation day was like.

1. Toga, Toga, Toga - ANIMAL HOUSE (1978)

If you ever get invited to a party like this, never leave. So many moments to remember, so little writing space. Otis Day and the Knights singing Shout, the guitar player in the staircase, the Dean's wife showing up bombed, Pinto considering sex with the high school girl that passes out in his bed, the mustard. In all honesty, this whole movie earned it the number one spot. I'm going to put on my duvet cover and bring a keg to work tonight.

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