Movie Jail: This week’s defendant is…Bruce Willis!

Last Updated on August 5, 2021

Movie Jail

This is Movie Jail, a unique maximum security prison that houses some of the worst writers, directors, actors and producers from Hollywood and beyond. Their crimes? The offenses vary from convict to convict but most of these inmates have contributed negatively to the film world to some capacity and his or her misdeeds have covered a long enough period of time that the authorities had to intervene. In each column a defendant is put on trial, arguments are made, and then it is up to YOU, the jury, to decide if the person is guilty or not guilty of crimes against cinema. Their lives are in your hands, dude.

The Defendant

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The Case

The Prosecution: Red 2, A Good Day to Die Hard, Fire with Fire, The Cold Light of Day, Lay the Favorites, Catch .44, Set Up, Red, Cop Out, Surrogates, Live Free or Die Hard, Perfect Stranger, Over the Hedge, The Whole Ten Yards

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, Walter Bruce Willis isn't on trial today because of recent events surrounding The Expendables 3. No, Mr. Willis is here because for the last decade he has starred in some terrible films. Even worse, many times it just seems like the actor doesn't care about his performance in the movies he stars in.

The prosecution doesn't enjoy putting someone on trial who starred in Die Hard, Pulp Fiction, 12 Monkeys and Unbreakable, but those films were released years ago. If we are only looking at what Mr. Willis has done lately, it isn't pretty and the films he has appeared in absolutely pale in comparison to the actor's previous efforts. If you want a perfect example, look no further than the actor's Die Hard franchise. Do the last two films come close to the awesomeness of the first three movies, even if we compare them to the weakest film (Die Hard 2) from the original trilogy? No way in hell.

Of course not all the blame can be placed on Mr. Willis since it's not like he wrote and directed those films as well, but he did agree to be in them. And since these movies wouldn't happen without the actor, the prosecution would like to know just what the hell Mr. Willis saw in the scripts (besides dollar signs) that made him think, "This is exactly what fans want to see in a new Die Hard movie!"

Besides his last two outings as John McClane, Mr. Willis has also appeared in Red and Red 2. The prosecution isn't a fan of these films, but that isn't why they are being used against Mr. Willis. It's because the actor put little to no effort in those films, and it's painfully obvious in Red 2 that the actor just didn't want to be there. If the actor doesn't care about the movie why should we (the movie goers) give a shit? The same can also be said for most of the direct-to-video crap he has starred in like The Cold Light of Day, Catch .44 and Set Up. But why in the f is Mr. Willis appearing in direct-to-video films in the first place?

So what else has Mr. Willis done these past ten years? A completely unnecessary sequel to a sleeper hit (The Whole Ten Yards), the vomit inducing Cop Out and Surrogates, which is just plain boring. His appearances in The Expendables films have pretty much been cameos and although G.I. Joe: Retribution was fun, the prosecution feels that Mr. Willis really didn't add much to the movie in general. The prosecution isn't looking at a lengthy sentence for Mr. Willis, just one long enough so the actor can get his shit together. Underwhelming Die Hard sequels? Direct-to-video slop? A cameo in Nancy Drew!? We expect more from you Mr. Willis, and hopefully some time in Movie Jail will help.

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The Defense: G.I. Joe: Retaliation, Looper, Moonrise Kingdom, Assassination of a High School President, Grindhouse: Planet Terror, Lucky Number Slevin, 16 Blocks, Hostage, Tears of the Sun

Ladies and gentlemen, my client doesn't care. That's right: Mr. Willis doesn't give a shit what you think. Isn't that obvious by now? Don't like The Expendables 3 news? Pffft, jog on. My client doesn't need that series and he certainly doesn't care about online film nerds bitching about him not appearing in the third movie because guess what: he's Bruce f*cking Willis.

My client's filmography the past decade might be a mixed bag, but the defense argues that the good far outweigh the bad. The last two Die Hards might not have been great, but because the series attracts more attention than some of his other films, people only seem to only remember the negative things about those films and forget the good he's done in other movies like 16 Blocks, Hostage and Lucky Number Slevin.

People also seem to forget that Mr. Willis has gone through rough patches like this before. Between Die Hard 2 and Pulp Fiction he starred in films like Hudson Hawk, North and Color Purple, and he also appeared in some awful movies in the late 90s like Mercury Rising and Breakfast of Champions. The point the prosecution is trying to make: don't ever give up on Bruce Willis. He might star in some bad films and might even be guilty of mailing in a performance or two, but then he'll dazzle us like in Moonrise Kingdom or Looper.

In all honesty, the defense feels like Mr. Willis doesn't needed to be…well, defended. His filmography speaks for itself (recent works and older films), and the actor has proven time and time again that he is one talented bastard that is capable of playing many roles. He gets lumped in with other action stars, but Mr. Willis can do drama and comedy much better than most of those actors. He even manages to star in independent films like Assassination of a High School President. Seriously, what more do you want from the actor? His gruff personality might turn some people off, but that has nothing to do with how well he does in movies and it shouldn't be used against him. The defense believes Mr. Willis is not guilty of these charges, and should serve no time in Movie Jail.

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Should we send Bruno to Movie Jail? How much should he blamed for A Good Day to Die Hard and Live Free or Die Hard? Does the good really outweigh the bad? Is Bruce Willis GUILTY or NOT GUILTY?


*The cases for and against a defendant going to Movie Jail by the author are not necessarily his views and opinions but they are some of the beliefs that one would use to effectively make an argument for both sides. Not quite a devil's advocate but you get the point. Anyways, this is all in fun so don't take it too seriously. We have a separate jail for those people called "Troll Tower" and believe me you do NOT want to go there.


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Milla Jovovich

It was a very close vote last week but the jury has found Milla Jovovich NOT GUILTY of all charges, although many of you wanted to toss her husband in jail instead. Maybe we'll have a visit with Paul W.S. Anderson in the future, but for now his wife is free to go. Just promise us Resident Evil 6 will be the last one, please?


GUILTY Adam Sandler, Eddie Murphy, Vince Vaughn, Tim Burton, The Farrelly Brothers, Michael Bay, Jessica Alba, Ice Cube, Gerard Butler, Halle Berry, Marlon Wayans, Julia Roberts, M. Night Shyamalan , Katherine Heigl , Cuba Gooding, Jr. , Tyler Perry, Cameron Diaz, Kate Hudson, Ashton Kutcher, Happy Madison Productions, Jennifer Lopez

NOT GUILTY Robert De Niro, Val Kilmer, Nic Cage, John Travolta, Oliver Stone, Ben Stiller, Jim Carrey, Wes Craven, Matthew McConaughey, Robert Rodriguez, Kristen Stewart, Roland Emmerich, Kevin Costner, Sandra Bullock, Hilary Swank, Al Pacino, Keanu Reeves, Kevin Smith, Channing Tatum, Jennifer Aniston, Owen Wilson, Anna Faris, Robin Williams, Charlize Theron, Ray Liotta, Jason Statham, Paul Walker, Will Smith, Salma Hayek, Michael Cera, Johnny Depp, Ryan Reynolds, Milla Jovovich


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