The Top 15 Action Heroes
I tried my hardest to come up with some sappy sentimental top
ten list in honour of Valentines Day. Then I realized I'm about as romantic as a
first date fart. I was going to try listing the best cinematic kisses, but
couldn't recall any that didn't involve lesbians. I hate myself. To make up for
my lack of a heart I decided to dish out 15 of the greatest ass kickers of all
time. You can have your candle light dinners and snuggle sessions all you want
this week, just remember there's a time in life when everyone just wants to blow
shit up and shoot bad people in the face repeatedly. I love you all.
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5. John McClane - DIE HARD
(1988)
This guy was Jack Bauer before it was cool to be Jack Bauer.
Whether it was playing hide and seek in a skyscraper, blowing up planes, or a
friendly game of Simon Says on the streets of New York, McClane always seems to
emerge from disgruntled cop to terrorist ass kicker in the blink of an eye.
Somebody get this guys resume to CTU.
4. Lee - ENTER THE DRAGON
(1973)
One of the most influential action movies ever made and the main
guy never even picks up a gun. He does, however, pick up some Nunchaku and whoop
some major ass. It's mind boggling to think of how popular Bruce Lee would have
been had he not died before it was released. Put every one of these characters
in a giant royal rumble of hand to hand combat (watch out for Robocop's secret
gun) and this is my pick to walk away. This next guy might be a little tough
though.
3. T-800 - TERMINATOR 2:
JUDGMENT DAY
He was great as a villain but even better as the hero. There's
few better choices for a bodyguard when you're the key human representative
after the world destroys itself. Invincibility is always a good attribute to
have in your pet action hero. I wish Marty and Doc would have warned us about
this shit.
2. James Bond - Dr. NO
(1962)
The only character that does so much shit he's worn out five
actors with a sixth on the way. He gets all the toys, all the women, and rarely
loses his cool. Will we ever see an end to this franchise? With a fan base that
expects to see new actors play the lead every few movies and an endless amount
of stories to tell, Bond movies could be around until the end of time. A
prediction - 25 years from now there will be a James Bond channel right down the
dial from the Godzilla channel.
1. Indiana Jones - RAIDERS
OF THE LOST ARK (1981)
Take your everyday fedora-wearing archaeologist with a pissy
attitude towards snakes and throw him into the world's greatest adventures and
sure enough, you'll get the world's greatest action hero. While the stories
might be a little far fetched, Indy has always seemed real. He looks tired. He
gets pissed off. He's always screwing things up. Things like his make him easy
to relate to, even though he's doing it while fighting Nazis and I do it while
trying to buckle my seatbelt. In case you're keeping track of the actor math at
home - James Bond is the father of Indiana Jones who once had a relationship
with Ellen Ripley and is best friends with Luke Skywalker. Peace.
PREVIOUSLY:
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11:36PM on 02/17/2006