In preparation for THE DARK KNIGHT RISES, Awfully Good will be featuring a different Batman-related movie each week until the film’s release. Perhaps a little Schumacher will help you appreciate Christopher Nolan that much more.
– Week #1: BATMAN: THE MOVIE
– Week #2: CATWOMAN
Batbabe: The Dark Nightie (2009)
Director: John Bacchus
Stars: Darian Caine, Robert Mandara, Molly Heartbreaker
When psychotic clown The Jerker steals all the porn in Bacchum City, it’s up to Batbabe to sleep, I mean fight, her way to justice.
It’s kinda hard* including “sexy” movies in this column because let’s face it…porn flicks will always be terrible. Occasionally they can be self-aware parodies with funny titles, but at the end of the day there’s only one reason you watch something like BATBABE—and it’s not for how intentionally bad it is.
While Batbabes costume provided the least amount of protection humanly possible, at least she was able to move her neck.
This isn’t even one of those moderately budgeted XXX porn parodies that have been virally popular the past couple years. BATBABE comes* from Seduction Cinema, makers of SPIDERBABE, KINKY KONG and LORD OF THE G STRINGS. To call it “no budget” is a gross understatement. The Jerker’s helicopter is a completely undisguised toy aircraft and Batbabe’s Batcycle is an actual bicycle, for God’s sake. However, the move is at least a decent spin on pretty much all previous Batman incarnations, from jabs about Christian Bale’s gruff Batvoice to blatantly calling out the Schumacher films to an Adam West-style Batfight. (Although it inexplicably says “Global Warming!” instead of “POW!”)
Al Gore is super serial about reaching young people, no matter what the avenue.
In case plot matters to you, the movie follows the title character aka Wendy Wayne, a stripper who moonlights as Batbabe. She’s mentored by friend and confidante Luscious Foxx, while working alongside Commissioner Boredom and Henrietta Bent, the new bisexual District Attorney who flips coins to decide if she wants to sleep with guys or girls. (She also has incredibly unappealing flames tattooed on her nipples.) When The Jerker comes to town and steals everyone’s porn, it sends the citizens in to chaos and threatens the entire city. (Honestly, what’s more likely to cause anarchy, blowing up a couple ships or taking away your access to Happy Fun Time.) Throw in Rachel Balls, torn between her love for Batbabe and Henrietta Wayne, and a cameo sex scene with underworld crime boss Salvatore MyBoney, and you can see it pretty much follows Christopher Nolan’s THE DARK KNIGHT to a tee.
Best band name since Vagina Panther.
And as you can also expect, there’s not a subtle bone in BATBABE’s body, although there are plenty of other bones.** Even when there’s no sex taking place on screen, the film is unendingly lewd and crass, with lines like “My love for you is like diarrhea , I just can’t hold it!” or The Jerker’s obvious penchant for touching himself. It’s incredibly stupid and lame, and although it might’ve garnered a laugh or two, the whole thing borders on being one of those Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg movies. Their take on THE DARK KNIGHT’s infamous “magic trick” scene sees The Jerker visiting supervillains Mr. Sleaze, Ratwoman and The Meddler with a sex toy and goes pretty much exactly where you expect it to.
“And now for a trick I learned from Criss Angel.”
Ironically, as bad as BATBABE is it works better as a Batman parody than it does an actual porn movie. All the sex scenes are fast forward-worthy and mostly consist of people awkwardly rubbing on each other for five minutes at a time. And it’s a silly thing to complain about, but the set ups for the porn parts are offensively lazy. Batbabe stops fighting a henchman because he’s “cute” and then takes him back to her place. The Jerker sees a sign that says Live Nude Girls and stops to watch lesbians for a while. The title character goes to the gym, where she randomly dry humps a girl we’ve never seen before on a Stairmaster for ten minutes. However, nothing is more ludicrous than the ending, where Batbabe is walking down the street when she runs in to Mr. Sleaze, a guy in a radiation suit who does a terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonation. They go back to her place to engage in coitus…and he never even bothers to takes his costume off.
* No pun intended.
** Pun intended.
Still better than flying Delta.
Sexual innuendo, self-referential jokes and some eyerollers. (Mildly NSFW)
Joker’s magic trick, bad fight scenes and other low budget limitations. (NSFW)
If you dig fake boobs, this is your joint!
Take a shot or drink every time:
- The Jerker lives up to his name
- Someone mocks Batbabe’s voice
- The Jerker watches someone have sex
- Someone says a euphemism for masturbation
- Henrietta Dent flips a coin
Double shot if:
- You fast forward through a sex scene
Next week…we delve straight in to the heart of pure evil!