Review: Lez Vamp Killers

Last Updated on July 26, 2021

PLOT: After Jimmy gets dumped by his woman for the seventh time, and Fletch punches at kid at work getting him fired, both friends somehow manage to end up in a cursed village, unknowingly been sent to a remote cabin in the woods as sacrifices for a pack of lesbian vampires hoping to resurrect their queen.

REVIEW: Lately, the horror genre’s been poking fun at itself here and there with spoofy, comedic,
cliché driven flicks in the form of “guilty pleasured” fan boy wet dreams (HATCHET, ZOMBIE STRIPPERS, MY NAME IS BRUCE). And as a true horror fan, LESBIAN VAMPIRE KILLERS delivers a healthy dose of the same balls to the walls fun. I loved this flick! It was a bit of a no brainer for me though as vampires = big smiles and lesbians = even BIGGER smiles. Now pair them up with a couple HILARIOUS fellas who just wanna get shit faced and see some boobies (funny, that’s exactly what I wanted to do) and you’ve got a hell of a funny film worth sinking your teeth into.

With a title like LESBIAN VAMPIRE KILLERS it would’ve been easy for the cast to go painfully overboard and not take things seriously (ie: ZOMBIE STRIPPERS). For me, this is where the film was sharp as a stake. Fletch and Jimmy were a winning duo, reminding me a great deal of the two best buds from SHAWN OF THE DEAD. In all honesty, this kinda WAS that movie with vamps instead of zombies. Both films took a pretty basic element of horror and threw in two underachieving dimwits for kicks. I have no problem what so ever with this plan of attack. That said, it does tend to encourage writers out there to come up with turd burgers like PRIDE AND PREJUDICE AND ZOMBIES, ABRAHAM LINCOLN VAMPIRE HUNTER and lest we forget Peter Jackson’s latest idea to send two Nasi zombies back in time to kill Jesus. Yes, I’m dead serious.

The pace and tone were pretty lighthearted here, at no point was I scared or worried about the main guys, but I don’t think I was supposed to be. The story was meant to be fun (not scary) and readily succeeded in this regard. They obviously didn’t throw much into the FX money pool, the shower scene being the best bang for their buck. The rest of it consisted of unsteady camera shots, wind effects and the use of thick white liquid by way of corpse explosions.

The women featured in this tale were hot, which is exactly what you want them to be. Good thing too, because other than Lotte (the smart one), the rest are just eye candy, there to be seen, turned or killed. The only one we really could have did without was Rebecca (Jimmy’s Ex), who somehow manages to find her way there. I also think they could have went with less time reviving Carmilla, and more time fighting Carmilla as our villainous vamp Queen wasn’t around for very long.

I guess the only way this flick kinda pissed in my holy water was by way of false advertising. I’ll admit, they throw some nice boobage our way in the opening scene, going hand in hand with a couple chicks making out. But the T&A/lesbianism aspect of the film dries up quicker than an open bar at an Irish wedding (trust me, I’m Irish). Now a less shallow man may be alright with this, however, I was not. The adventure was well shot though (considering), and I had no problems with the writing as I was in stitches half the time. The comradery and one liners between the two mains (and later between Fletch and the Vicar) were utterly priceless. I’m still laughing my ass off when I think about the “cock-sword” and the big gay werewolf bit.

LESBIAN VAMPIRE KILLERS isn’t about winning Oscars, compelling cinematography, pulse pounding score, or star studded casting. It’s about two guys (along with THIS guy) hoping to see as much nudity and cheap thrills as possible. Again, it wasn’t raining naked chicks locked together giving one another lip massages, but there was enough exposed melons, gooey deaths and witty dialogue to make this flick a cut above the aforementioned others. This film more than accomplishes what it set out to do (in my mind anyway), feeling like a really funny episode of MASTERS OF HORROR, just not as polished. I don’t know about you guys, but I’d pay good money to be locked in a shack with gang of “bisexual” female vampires. Who do I gotta kill to get me some of THAT action!?

RATING:
8/10