Movie Jail: This week’s defendant is…Ashton Kutcher!

Movie Jail

This is Movie Jail, a unique maximum security prison that houses some of the worst writers, directors, actors and producers from Hollywood and beyond. Their crimes? The offenses vary from convict to convict but most of these inmates have contributed negatively to the film world to some capacity and his or her misdeeds have covered a long enough period of time that the authorities had to intervene. In each column a defendant is put on trial, arguments are made, and then it is up to YOU, the jury, to decide if the person is guilty or not guilty of crimes against cinema. Their lives are in your hands, dude.

The Defendant

Ashton Kutcher

The Case

The Prosecution: Just Married, My Boss's Daughter, Guess Who, The Guardian, What Happens in Vegas, Valentine's Day, Killers, New Year's Eve, Two and a Half Men, those f*cking Nikon camera commercials

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, if there's one actor completely deserving of Movie Jail it is Christopher Ashton Kutcher. He's been a pain in the prosecution's side for far too long and today is his judgment day. Mr. Kutcher is completely guilty of not only appearing in some terrible films but also of usually being the worst part of said movie. Films like Just Married, My Boss's Daughter and What Happens in Vegas are just awful romantic comedies yet these films are even worse than your average rom-com because of the presence of Mr. Kutcher. In face he was nominated for Razzies for both Just Married and My Boss's Daughter. The prosecution believes that Mr. Kutcher is limited to only making about three facial expressions: confused, frustrated and that annoying goofball smile he has in every f*cking movie.

Part of the problem with Mr. Kutcher is that he plays low IQ characters very, very well. Everything else? Not so much. The prosecution admits that Mr. Kutcher was funny as Kelso on That 70's Show and Dude, Where's My Car? is one of those stupid stoner comedies that you either love or hate. But that was a long time ago and his screen presence hasn't grown and has in fact become even more grating. The characters he tends to play also have about as much depth as a saltine but maybe the truth is Mr. Kutcher himself is lacking in depth and it really shows in dramatic films like The Guardian.

Which brings me to the one film many people bring up when trying to defend the actor: The Butterfly Effect. The prosecution feels that while the film itself isn't bad (especially the alternate ending) Mr. Kutcher is definitely not the reason why and in fact drags the movie down to an almost campy level. In particular there's (spoiler warning!) this scene in the film that should have been completely somber and a devastating moment for the character. Yet you can't take the scene or the rest of the movie serious because of Mr. Kutcher's limited acting skills and you can't help but laugh as Mr. Kutcher (and the audience) asks, "What the f*ck is this?!"

Mr. Kutcher was nominated for Razzies again in 2011 for Killers and Valentine's Day, eight years after his first nominations. Has he done anything in that time and the years since to make you think we'll get anything better from Mr. Kutcher as an actor? The prosecution doesn't believe so and recommends a long stint in Movie Jail for Mr. Kutcher.

Ashton Kutcher

The Defense: Dude, Where's My Car?, The Butterfly Effect, A Lot Like Love, Bobby, Spread, Personal Effects, No Strings Attached, That 70's Show, Punk'd

Ladies and gentlemen, defending Mr. Kutcher is no easy task and I'm sure many of you are ready to throw my client into Movie Jail but bare with me. Handsome men almost always have to do a handful of romantic comedies in order to further their careers as actors and Mr. Kutcher was actually quite good in A Lot Like Love and No Strings Attached. Those films aren't going to save my client from Movie Jail but the defense wants to know what films people do want to see my client in. You complain about Mr. Kutcher not doing more or "serious" films but for the most part audience members ignore the other films my client has appeared in. His smaller movies like Spread and Personal Effects don't get nearly the same exposure as Killers or Valentine's Day and its sequel New Year's Eve. You demand more from Mr. Kutcher yet when he tries to you scoff or ridicule him and his talents.

Mr. Kutcher plays Steve Jobs in the upcoming film Jobs and from the moment he was cast in the movie people started naysaying. How's he suppose to prove himself when many are assuming he'll do a bad job portraying the co-founder of Apple? Can't you give my client a chance?

I'd also like to point out some of Mr. Kutcher's work outside of film. Although he might have been annoying as the host of Punk'd the actually pranks were typically pretty funny and Mr. Kutcher was also one of the creators of the show. My client also dabbles in the restaurant, tech and marketing businesses and has had success with all three. For someone that plays "low IQ characters very, very well" it sounds like Mr. Kutcher is a lot smarter than many give him credit for and lets not forget that appearing in stuff like those romantic comedies and Two and a Half Man have also made him very, very rich. Like the man he replaced on that show, Mr. Kutcher is clearly winning.

Ashton Kutcher


Should Ashton Kutcher go to Movie Jail? Should we give him another chance to prove himself or is it too little, too late? Will The Butterfly Effect be enough to keep him out of prison or is there too much evidence against the actor? Is Ashton Kutcher GUILTY or NOT GUILTY?


*The cases for and against a defendant going to Movie Jail by the author are not necessarily his views and opinions but they are some of the beliefs that one would use to effectively make an argument for both sides. Not quite a devil's advocate but you get the point. Anyways, this is all in fun so don't take it too seriously. We have a separate jail for those people called "Troll Tower" and believe me you do NOT want to go there.


Ashton Kutcher


Michael Cera

After reviewing the evidence from last week, the jury has found Michael Cera NOT GUILTY of all charges. Though some argued that Mr. Cera has had plenty of time to prove he can play a different character besides George-Michael many pointed out that the actor is just far too young to go to Movie Jail and he does have a couple of upcoming films (Magic Magic, Crystal Fairy) that have actor in different roles than he's use to. Plus he was f*cking hilarious in This Is The End.


GUILTY Adam Sandler, Eddie Murphy, Vince Vaughn, Tim Burton, The Farrelly Brothers, Michael Bay, Jessica Alba, Ice Cube, Gerard Butler, Halle Berry, Marlon Wayans, Julia Roberts, M. Night Shyamalan , Katherine Heigl , Cuba Gooding, Jr. , Tyler Perry, Cameron Diaz, Kate Hudson

NOT GUILTY Robert De Niro, Val Kilmer, Nic Cage, John Travolta, Oliver Stone, Ben Stiller, Jim Carrey, Wes Craven, Matthew McConaughey, Robert Rodriguez, Kristen Stewart, Roland Emmerich, Kevin Costner, Sandra Bullock, Hilary Swank, Al Pacino, Keanu Reeves, Kevin Smith, Channing Tatum, Jennifer Aniston, Owen Wilson, Anna Faris, Robin Williams, Charlize Theron, Ray Liotta, Jason Statham, Paul Walker, Will Smith, Salma Hayek, Michael Cera


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