Movie Jail: This week’s defendant is…Nic Cage!

Welcome to Movie Jail, a facility like any other, only its inmates are Hollywood writers, directors, actors and producers. This column will serve as a

Movie Jail

trial. We will put one defendant on trial; lay out arguments for the Prosecution and Defense. And we leave it up to YOU, the reader, to decide whether the


is guilty of his or her crime. What crime? The crime of consistently being a stinking shithouse.

The Defendant

Nicolas Cage

The Case

The Prosecution: Bangkok Dangerous, The Wicker Man, The Weather Man, Snake Eyes, Trespass, Ghost Rider, Knowing, Next, Gone in 60 Seconds,

8MM, Season of the Witch, The Sorcerer’s Apprentice.*

Ladies and gentleman of the jury, we know in the real world, a strong work ethic and consistent output of product can go a long way. But in Hollywood,

the reverse can be true. And there’s no other shining example of that then Nicolas Cage. The guy is averaging about five movies per year and we can expect MAYBE one

out them to be at least halfway decent. Is this how low the court is setting the bar for Oscar

winners? Sure, a man can work to put food on his table or to pay off the note on his castles and unpaid federal taxes, but aren’t there

halfway decent scripts for an Oscar winning actor? This just shows poor judgment, and that’s why the prosecution seeks a guilty verdict against Mr. Cage. Plus,

what’s with all those damn wigs?.

The Defense: Kick Ass, Adaptation, Wild at Heart, Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans, Matchstick Men, Con Air, The Rock, Leaving Las

Vegas, Raising Arizona.*

Ladies and Gentleman of the jury, a guy can’t have multiple wigs? He’s makes a living at playing pretend, for goshsake (sorry for the harsh language). And what’s

wrong having a franchise or two to

pay off some bills? Mr. Cage is the shining example of “mo money, mo problems”. It comes with the territory. Mr. Cage has put in his time, starting out his career

in solid movies like Valley Girl, Rumble Fish, and Raising Arizona and then has a resurgence in the early 90s with an outstanding string of flicks films like

Kiss ofDeath, Leaving Las Vegas, The Rock, Con Air and Face/Off. And sure, the 2000s hasn’t produced the best of movies for Mr. Cage, but with

Adaptation, Kick Ass, Matchstick Men and his brilliant turn in Bad Lieutenant, the defense feels this is evidence enough to acquit Mr. Cage of all


And if that’s not enough evidence, then there’s always this:


So, what’s to be done with Mr. Nic Cage? Is it really such a bad thing that’s he’s earning a living, taking what work he can, and doing his best with

it? Are his choice in scripts laziness or a lack of challenging himself? And the most important question to be asked, once all evidence is taken into

consideration, we ask

you The Jury, is Nicolas Cage GUILTY or NOT GUILTY? Let’s hear YOUR arguments, either side, by STRIKING BACK BELOW.

*The court recognizes that all movies are subjective, so relax.



It is the jury’s decision that after reviewing

last week’s evidence, the court finds Mr. Vince Vaughn

GUILTY of all charges. The jury feels that while, yes, Mr. Vaughn is playing the same character with the same schtick for years, his dramatic turns and the

potential he still has to win audiences over, greatly outweights any harsh sentence he may deserve. He will be sentenced to two years in Movie Jail and house arrest

for five years or two consecutively good movies. If he slips, the sentence will be ten times worse.


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