Movie Jail: This week’s defendant is…Clive Owen!

Last Updated on July 12, 2023

Movie Jail

This is Movie Jail, a unique maximum security prison that houses some of the worst writers, directors, actors and producers from Hollywood and beyond. Their crimes? The offenses vary from convict to convict but most of these inmates have contributed negatively to the film world to some capacity and his or her misdeeds have covered a long enough period of time that the authorities had to intervene. In each column a defendant is put on trial, arguments are made, and then it is up to YOU, the jury, to decide if the person is guilty or not guilty of crimes against cinema. Their lives are in your hands, dude.

The Defendant

The Case

The Prosecution: Intruders, Hemingway & Gellhorn, Killer Elite, The International, Elizabeth: The Golden Age, Derailed, King Arthur, Beyond Borders

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the prosecution understands many people really like Clive Owen. Children of Men? Closer? Awesome movies with great stuff from the actor. But in the past few years we’ve seen him in some less than fantastic films, and at times, Mr. Owen’s performances have been very boring.

Mr. Owen’s monotone voice works well for him in most cases, like as Dwight in Sin City, but when the movie is bland or the actor doesn’t have a lot to work with, Mr. Owen becomes very dull to watch. While the prosecution wouldn’t say he mails it in, his turn in several films have been lackluster, and the movies themselves have been uninspiring. Intruders just isn’t a good film in the prosecution’s opinion. Killer Elite and King Arthur are both examples of terrible movies with weak performances from the actor. The International is incredibly tedious, and Mr. Owen certainly didn’t help things with his performance.

Why is Mr. Owen slumming it in these films in the first place though? At this point shouldn’t he be working on bigger and better things, not mediocre thrillers and shitty action flicks? Maybe part of the reason is because Mr. Owen doesn’t have the greatest range as an actor. It seems like every other movie Mr. Owen is playing another smart, tough dude who wears a rumpled trench coat. If he was doing great work or was appearing in solid movies it wouldn’t be such a big deal, but it’s disappointing to see Mr. Owen become such a one-note actor.

Mr. Owen was nominated for a few acting awards for the HBO film Hemingway & Gellhorn, however the prosecution believes it wasn’t a strong performance from the actor, and he struggled with an American accent. It may not matter in other movies, but when you’re playing Ernest Hemingway, you kind of need to sound American.

The prosecution isn’t looking for a long prison sentence for Mr. Owen, but we believe it’s obvious the actor needs to go to Movie Jail for a bit.

The Defense: Trust, The Boys Are Back, Duplicity, Shoot ‘Em Up, Inside Man, Children of Men, Sin City, Closer, I’ll Sleep When I’m Dead, Gosford Park, Croupier

Ladies and gentlemen, you’re not believing this crap the prosecution is slinging, are you? My client has been doing fantastic work for years, and while some of his most recent films haven’t been great, he definitely doesn’t deserve to go to Movie jail.

But have his movies as of late really been that dreadful? The defense (and I’m sure most of the jury) doesn’t have anything good to say about Killer Elite or even Hemingway & Gellhorn, but what about his smaller films, like Trust and The Boys Are Back? Both feature great performances from my client, even if the films themselves aren’t perfect.

However, the defense believes it will be Mr. Owen’s older films that will keep the actor out of prison, as they should. Children of Men and Closer as two of the actor’s better movies, however Shoot ‘Em Up was also very fun, as was Sin City. Besides those popular and well-known films, Mr. Owen also did superb work in Croupier and I’ll Sleep When I’m Dead. Duplicity might be a forgettable film, but it was still a nice little hit for Mr. Owen. Inside Man also received good reviews from critics, and was a success at the box office.

The prosecution says my client doesn’t have the greatest range, but Mr. Owen can do both drama and comedy very well. The previously mentioned Duplicity has a nice mix of both, and his appearance on television’s “Extras” was hilarious.

Nice attempt prosecution, but Clive Owen isn’t going to Movie Jail.


Are you fine with Mr. Owen’s recent films, or do you think he’s been working on projects that are below him? Is he a decent actor, or has he played the same type of character too many times? Is Clive Owen GUILTY or NOT GUILTY?


*The cases for and against a defendant going to Movie Jail by the author are not necessarily his views and opinions but they are some of the beliefs that one would use to effectively make an argument for both sides. Not quite a devil’s advocate but you get the point. Anyways, this is all in fun so don’t take it too seriously. We have a separate jail for those people called “Troll Tower” and believe me you do NOT want to go there.




Chris Columbus’ screenwriting credits definitely saved the director’s ass in last week’s trial. The jury has found Mr. Columbus NOT GUILTY of all charges, and most said there was no way the man who wrote The Goonies and Gremlins was going to Movie Jail on their watch. Directing the two Home Alone and Harry Potter movies certainly helped, but without those two 80’s flicks, Mr. Columbus would probably be sitting in a prison cell right now.


GUILTY Adam Sandler, Eddie Murphy, Vince Vaughn, Tim Burton, The Farrelly Brothers, Michael Bay, Jessica Alba, Ice Cube, Gerard Butler, Halle Berry, Marlon Wayans, Julia Roberts, M. Night Shyamalan , Katherine Heigl , Cuba Gooding, Jr. , Tyler Perry, Cameron Diaz, Kate Hudson, Ashton Kutcher, Happy Madison Productions, Jennifer Lopez, Bruce Willis, Paul W.S. Anderson, Matthew Broderick, Sarah Jessica Parker, Brett Ratner, Rob Cohen, Renee Zellweger, Shia LaBeouf, Renny Harlin, Diane Keaton, McG, Demi Moore

NOT GUILTY Robert De Niro, Val Kilmer, Nic Cage, John Travolta, Oliver Stone, Ben Stiller, Jim Carrey, Wes Craven, Matthew McConaughey, Robert Rodriguez, Kristen Stewart, Roland Emmerich, Kevin Costner, Sandra Bullock, Hilary Swank, Al Pacino, Keanu Reeves, Kevin Smith, Channing Tatum, Jennifer Aniston, Owen Wilson, Anna Faris, Robin Williams, Charlize Theron, Ray Liotta, Jason Statham, Paul Walker, Will Smith, Salma Hayek, Michael Cera, Johnny Depp, Ryan Reynolds, Milla Jovovich, John Singleton, Jon Voight, Jack Black, Brian De Palma, Jerry Bruckheimer, Nicole Kidman, Justin Timberlake, Freddy Krueger (Halloween Special), Johnny Knoxville, Orlando Bloom, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Dan Aykroyd, Sylvester Stallone, Gavin Hood, Jason Lee, Jennifer Garner, Carrie-Anne Moss, Kate Beckinsale, John Cusack, Chris Columbus


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