Movie Jail: This week’s defendant is…Jon Voight!

Last Updated on August 5, 2021

Movie Jail

This is Movie Jail, a unique maximum security prison that houses some of the worst writers, directors, actors and producers from Hollywood and beyond. Their crimes? The offenses vary from convict to convict but most of these inmates have contributed negatively to the film world to some capacity and his or her misdeeds have covered a long enough period of time that the authorities had to intervene. In each column a defendant is put on trial, arguments are made, and then it is up to YOU, the jury, to decide if the person is guilty or not guilty of crimes against cinema. Their lives are in your hands, dude.

The Defendant

The Case

The Prosecution: Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2, September Dawn, Bratz: The Movie, Four Christmases, Transformers, Getaway, National Treasure: Book of Secrets

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, what the hell has happened to Jonathon Vincent "Jon" Voight? It's always sad to see a strong, intense actor grow old and start to appear in less than awesome films, but Mr. Voight's case is one of the worst the prosecution has ever seen. In particular, Mr. Voight has not been at his best these past ten years which is why we'll only be discussing those films for this trial.

Does Mr. Voight only receive offers to play villains or father/authority figures? Because those are the only types of roles he's had lately. The prosecution might be able to look past the actor being typecast in some crap movies, but films like Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 and Bratz: The Movie are on a completely different level of bad. They're embarrassingly bad, and if you watch these films even Mr. Voight seems to be ashamed of some of the ludicrous shit he has to do for these parts. Oh, and he's set to star in Baby Geniuses: Baby Squad Investigators. Really, Mr. Voight? This is the franchise you want to be a part of? Marvel hasn't given you a call? At least Transformers and National Treasure were slightly better, but his parts in either of those films could have been played by almost any older actor who wanted a paycheck.

Speaking of other actors, the prosecution feels that Mr. Voight falls in the same category as similar thespians such as Tommy Lee Jones, Brian Cox, and Harvey Keitel: actors who received acclaim early for intense roles and as they have grown older started doing some comedy that was at times based on their previous roles or played off their typecast. These actors (like Mr. Voight) have been nominated for and have won Oscars, Golden Globes, BAFTAs- you name it, but have also starred in some very silly and/or bad films. The difference between those actors and Mr. Voight is that at least they know when they're in a bad or cheesy film and try to have fun with it: Mr. Voight is just sort of…there. He just seems so f*cking bored.

Does he even know how to ham it up or chew up the scenery anymore? What does Mr. Voight bring to a film, regardless of the quality? Poor film/role choices plus lazy acting equals Movie Jail each and every time, which means a guilty verdict for Mr. Voight.

Plus the prosecution really f*cking hates Four Christmases.

The Defense: Holes, The Manchurian Candidate, The Legend of Simon Conjurer, Glory Road, Pride and Glory, Beyond, National Treasure

Ladies and gentlemen, the prosecution wants to ignore some of my client's classic films because of how allegedly terrible his recent movies have been, but we shouldn't ignore Mr. Voight's history. He's had some ups and downs in his career, like all good actors do. He didn't do that much in the 1980s, but in the 90s it seemed like Mr. Voight was in every damn movie, even if it was for a couple of minutes. My point: just because my client is appearing in Bratz doesn't mean his career is in jeopardy. Mr. Voight has been in the game long enough now to know how it works, and sometimes you just need to swallow your pride and star in something you might not give two shits about.

And Mr. Voight's recent movies haven't been that bad. The National Treasure films are what they are and some people really dig them, even if they aren't the prosecution's cup of tea. But The Legend of Simon Conjurer is actually pretty good and my client's performance is excellent. His roles in Pride and Glory and Glory Road where in his wheelhouse, but he owned those parts and I don't agree with the prosecution's statement that he appears "bored" in most of his movies.

The prosecution also compares Mr. Voight to other actors, but I ask you this: do you think if my client was cast in an Oscar contending film or a movie from a big named director that Mr. Voight wouldn't knock it out of the park? Do you really think his talent has eroded just because of some questionable films? Basically, are you seriously ready to write off Jon Voight? Don't forget he's also down some great work in television: he was nominated for an Emmy for playing Pope Jon Paul II and was on 24 for a season.

Mr. Voight will and should continue to act because there's always a chance for something special to happen, like how hilariously creepy his face is throughout Anaconda. A guilty verdict isn't a fair one for my client, and I believe the jury will feel the same.


What are we going to do with Jon Voight? Should he be allowed to continue acting, or is the risk he'll star in Bratz 2: All Your Daughters Will Be Sluts too high? Is this just a lull or a serious sign of where the actor's career is heading? Is Jon Voight GUILTY or NOT GUILTY?


*The cases for and against a defendant going to Movie Jail by the author are not necessarily his views and opinions but they are some of the beliefs that one would use to effectively make an argument for both sides. Not quite a devil's advocate but you get the point. Anyways, this is all in fun so don't take it too seriously. We have a separate jail for those people called "Troll Tower" and believe me you do NOT want to go there.



Some of the jury was surprised Paul W.S. Anderson wasn't already in Movie Jail, but they have righted this wrong by declaring the director GUILTY of all charges. Mr. Anderson did have a couple members of the jury on his side but the wave of dislike for the director was too strong, like a dump truck plowing over a soft kitten…or something. Besides being sent to jail, Mr. Anderson also isn't allowed near any video games and all conjugal visits with his wife will be recorded (as one jury member demanded) although Mr. Anderson will be blurred out in the videos. Thank God.


GUILTY Adam Sandler, Eddie Murphy, Vince Vaughn, Tim Burton, The Farrelly Brothers, Michael Bay, Jessica Alba, Ice Cube, Gerard Butler, Halle Berry, Marlon Wayans, Julia Roberts, M. Night Shyamalan , Katherine Heigl , Cuba Gooding, Jr. , Tyler Perry, Cameron Diaz, Kate Hudson, Ashton Kutcher, Happy Madison Productions, Jennifer Lopez, Bruce Willis, Paul W.S. Anderson

NOT GUILTY Robert De Niro, Val Kilmer, Nic Cage, John Travolta, Oliver Stone, Ben Stiller, Jim Carrey, Wes Craven, Matthew McConaughey, Robert Rodriguez, Kristen Stewart, Roland Emmerich, Kevin Costner, Sandra Bullock, Hilary Swank, Al Pacino, Keanu Reeves, Kevin Smith, Channing Tatum, Jennifer Aniston, Owen Wilson, Anna Faris, Robin Williams, Charlize Theron, Ray Liotta, Jason Statham, Paul Walker, Will Smith, Salma Hayek, Michael Cera, Johnny Depp, Ryan Reynolds, Milla Jovovich, John Singleton


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