Movie Jail: This week’s defendant is…Justin Long!

Last Updated on August 2, 2021

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This is Movie Jail, a unique maximum security prison that houses some of the worst writers, directors, actors and producers from Hollywood and beyond. Their crimes? The offenses vary from convict to convict but most of these inmates have contributed negatively to the film world to some capacity* and his or her misdeeds have covered a long enough period of time that the authorities had to intervene. In each column a defendant is put on trial, arguments are made, and then it is up to YOU, the jury, to decide if the person is guilty or not guilty of crimes against cinema. Their lives are in your hands, dude.

The Defendant

Justin Long

The Case

The Prosecution: Alvin and the Chipmunks movies, Comet, The Lookalike, Walking with Dinosaurs, A Case of You, Movie 43, Best Man Down, For a Good Time, Call…, After.Life, Planet 51, Going the Distance, Alpha and Omega, He's Just Not That Into You, Taking Chances, Battle for Terra, Serious Moonlight, The Break-Up, Herbie: Fully Loaded

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, although Justin Long is a decent enough actor and I've been a fan of him since his Ed days, his filmography is filled with questionable movies. The prosecution can look past some of his early roles in bad films, but his recent movies have also left a hell of a lot to be desired.

Lately Mr. Long has been appearing in smaller films such as Comet and The Lookalike, which haven't received fantastic reviews, however they look like masterpieces next to his awful Alvin and the Chipmunks flicks. The actor has also starred in bland rom-coms (Going the Distance, He's Just Not That Into You) and lazy comedies (Movie 43, Strange Wilderness), and has voiced roles in a number of subpar animated movies (Walking with Dinosaurs, Planet 51, Alpha and Omega, Battle for Terra).

Mr. Long wasn't the reason why those films were terrible, but we definitely need to do something about his poor movie choices, and the prosecution is recommending a sentence of no less than three months in Movie Jail.

He's Just Not That Into You Justin Long Ginnifer Goodwin

The Defense: Tusk, Ask Me Anything, iSteve, 10 Years, The Conspirator, Youth in Revolt, Zack and Miri Make a Porno, Drag Me to Hell, Dodgeball, Live Free or Die Hard, Accepted, Dreamland, The Sasquatch Gang, Waiting…, Jeepers Creepers, Happy Campers, Galaxy Quest, Ed

Ladies and gentlemen, the defense will admit that my client doesn't have an impressive resume, but there's more than what meets the eye when it comes to his filmography. While Mr. Long has appeared in more than a few negatively reviewed movies and isn't known for his acting abilities, it's not like he's a big name actor who has the luxury of being picky with his film roles.

Although my client has played several leading roles over the course of his career, he's really shined in small roles and cameo appearances, like in Zack and Miri Make a Porno, Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story, Idiocracy and Youth in Revolt. But the defense also thought Mr. Long did just fine in larger roles in movies such as Dodgeball and Live Free or Die Hard, and I appreciate the fact that he seems to have a thing for horror films (Tusk, Drag Me to Hell, Jeepers Creepers).

Mr. Long is only guilty of being a fairly recognizable working actor who is just taking the roles that are being offered to him, and the defense doubts the jury will want to lock him up.

Tusk Justin Long


What do you think we should do with the former "Get a Mac" ad star? Does Mr. Long belong behind bars, or are you a fan of the actor? I ask you, the jury, is Justin Long GUILTY or NOT GUILTY?

*The cases for and against a defendant going to Movie Jail by the author are not necessarily his views and opinions but they are some of the beliefs that one would use to effectively make an argument for both sides. Not quite a devil's advocate but you get the point. Anyway, this is all in fun so don't take it too seriously. We have a separate jail for those people called "Troll Tower" and believe me you do NOT want to go there.


Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip Justin Long


Toy Story Tim Allen

Tim Allen came out on top in last week's trial, with the jury finding the The Santa Clause star NOT GUILTY of all charges. Jury members said although Mr. Allen may not be a gifted actor and has appeared in multiple critically-panned movies, he's earned a pass with his 90s sitcom, and his roles in the Toy Story movies and Galaxy Quest.


GUILTY Adam Sandler, Eddie Murphy, Vince Vaughn, Tim Burton, The Farrelly Brothers, Michael Bay, Jessica Alba, Ice Cube, Gerard Butler, Halle Berry, Marlon Wayans, Julia Roberts, M. Night Shyamalan , Katherine Heigl , Cuba Gooding, Jr., Tyler Perry, Cameron Diaz, Kate Hudson, Ashton Kutcher, Happy Madison Productions, Jennifer Lopez, Bruce Willis, Paul W.S. Anderson, Matthew Broderick, Sarah Jessica Parker, Brett Ratner, Rob Cohen, Renee Zellweger, Shia LaBeouf, Renny Harlin, Diane Keaton, McG, Demi Moore, King Joffrey (Game of Thrones Special), David Spade, Spike Lee, Kevin James, Joel Schumacher, Ehren Kruger, Chris Rock, Mark Steven Johnson, Mickey Rourke, Ashley Judd, Uma Thurman, Josh Duhamel, Saw Franchise (Halloween Edition), Zach Braff, Sam Worthington, Melissa McCarthy, The Wachowski Siblings, Kate Bosworth, Garry Marshall, David Goyer, Akiva Goldsman, Avi Arad, Damon Lindelof, Hayden Christensen, Dennis Dugan, Sharon Stone, Jessica Biel, Nick Swardson, Simon Kinberg, Alex & Stephen Kendrick, Eli Roth, Paranormal Activity Franchise (Halloween Edition), Kevin Hart

NOT GUILTY Robert De Niro, Val Kilmer, Nic Cage, John Travolta, Oliver Stone, Ben Stiller, Jim Carrey, Wes Craven, Matthew McConaughey, Robert Rodriguez, Kristen Stewart, Roland Emmerich, Kevin Costner, Sandra Bullock, Hilary Swank, Al Pacino, Keanu Reeves, Kevin Smith, Channing Tatum, Jennifer Aniston, Owen Wilson, Anna Faris, Robin Williams, Charlize Theron, Ray Liotta, Jason Statham, Paul Walker, Will Smith, Salma Hayek, Michael Cera, Johnny Depp, Ryan Reynolds, Milla Jovovich, John Singleton, Jon Voight, Jack Black, Brian De Palma, Jerry Bruckheimer, Nicole Kidman, Justin Timberlake, Freddy Krueger (Halloween Edition), Johnny Knoxville, Orlando Bloom, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Dan Aykroyd, Sylvester Stallone, Gavin Hood, Jason Lee, Jennifer Garner, Carrie-Anne Moss, Kate Beckinsale, John Cusack, Chris Columbus, Clive Owen, Terrence Howard, Andrew Niccol, Drew Barrymore, Steve Martin, Joel Silver, Michelle Rodriguez, Kiefer Sutherland, Dario Argento, Susan Sarandon, Dennis Quaid, Rob Reiner, Gwyneth Paltrow, Mel Gibson, Pierce Brosnan, Roberto Orci & Alex Kurtzman, Ivan Reitman, Stephen Sommers, Shawn Levy, Jai Courtney, Ridley Scott, Peter Jackson, Jamie Foxx, Luc Besson, Jason Reitman, Mila Kunis, Jennifer Connelly, Sienna Miller, Ben Barnes, Simon West, Len Wiseman, Brendan Fraser, Megan Fox, Neal McDonough, Cameron Crowe, Katie Holmes, Elijah Wood, Tarsem Singh, Reese Witherspoon, Burt Reynolds, Ed Helms, Sean Astin, Michael Polish, Kelsey Grammer, Queen Latifah, Mark Wahlberg, Vin Diesel, Barry Levinson, Aaron Eckhart, Luke Wilson, Martin Campbell, Blumhouse Productions, Tim Allen

UPDATES: Robert De Niro, Nicolas Cage and Roland Emmerich, Jim Carrey, Robert Rodriguez and Gerard Butler, Jessica Alba, Julia Roberts and The Farrelly Brothers, Ben Stiller, Tim Burton and Shia LaBeouf, Johnny Depp, Kevin Smith & Chris Rock, Ice Cube, Owen Wilson & Vince Vaughn


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