Movie Jail: This week’s defendant is…Michelle Pfeiffer!

Last Updated on August 2, 2021

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This is Movie Jail, a unique maximum security prison that houses some of the worst writers, directors, actors and producers from Hollywood and beyond. Their crimes? The offenses vary from convict to convict but most of these inmates have contributed negatively to the film world to some capacity* and his or her misdeeds have covered a long enough period of time that the authorities had to intervene. In each column a defendant is put on trial, arguments are made, and then it is up to YOU, the jury, to decide if the person is guilty or not guilty of crimes against cinema. Their lives are in your hands, dude.

The Defendant

Michelle Pfeiffer

The Case

The Prosecution: The Family, Dark Shadows, New Year's Eve, Sinbad: Legend of the Seven Seas, I Am Sam, What Lies Beneath, The Story of Us, The Deep End of the Ocean, A Thousand Acres, One Fine Day, Up Close & Personal, To Gillian on Her 37th Birthday, Dangerous Minds, Grease 2

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, at 57, Michelle Pfeiffer is still as gorgeous as ever, and no one can deny that she is a talented actress, however the prosecution has been pretty disappointed with most of her recent films.

The Family and Dark Shadows both scored low marks from critics, while New Year's Eve was panned, and People Like Us and Chéri only received mixed reviews. Miss Pfeiffer has also appeared in a few other negatively-reviewed movies late in her career, including I Am Sam, What Lies Beneath and The Story of Us.

Again, I'm not questioning Miss Pfeiffer's talents as performer, but don't you think she should be appearing in better movies, especially with three Oscar nominations under her belt? Although older actresses often have a hard time finding good roles in quality films, it still feels like Miss Pfeiffer has been slumming it a bit as of late, and the prosecution believes she needs to spend at least one month in the slammer.

The Family Michelle Pfeiffer

The Defense: People Like Us, Chéri, Personal Effects, I Could Never Be Your Woman, Stardust, Hairspray, White Oleander, A Midsummer Night's Dream, The Prince of Egypt, Wolf, The Age of Innocence, Love Field, Batman Returns, Frankie and Johnny, The Russia House, The Fabulous Baker Boys, Tequila Sunrise, Married to the Mob, Dangerous Liaisons, Amazon Women on the Moon, The Witches of Eastwick, Sweet Liberty, Into the Night, Ladyhawke, Scarface

Ladies and gentlemen, I don't think the prosecution realizes just how hard the jury is going to come down on him for bringing charges against Miss Pfeiffer. Some of my clients recent films haven't done that well with critics, but she absolutely doesn't belong behind bars.

For starters, the prosecution is right about one thing: Miss Pfeiffer is a fantastic actress. Her performances are always top-notch and worth watching, even in awful movies. My client never phones it in, and she certainly wasn't the reason why Dark Shadows, The Family, etc. received bad reviews. Miss Pfeiffer's on-screen output has slowed down over the past decade or so, and has only done 13 movies since 2000, but they haven't all been mediocre-to-terrible like the prosecution suggests. Plus her Catwoman is still the best live-action version of the comic book character.

Miss Pfeiffer is a beautiful and immensely talented actress who definitely doesn't deserve to go to Movie Jail, and the prosecution is confident the jury will agree that locking her up would be the real crime.

Stardust Michell Pfeiffer


What should we do with Miss Pfeiffer? Do we need to send her to the big house, or do you think the prosecution is a fool for putting the Scarface and Batman Returns actress up for Movie Jail? Is Michelle Pfeiffer GUILTY or NOT GUILTY?

*The cases for and against a defendant going to Movie Jail by the author are not necessarily his views and opinions but they are some of the beliefs that one would use to effectively make an argument for both sides. Not quite a devil's advocate but you get the point. Anyway, this is all in fun so don't take it too seriously. We have a separate jail for those people called "Troll Tower" and believe me you do NOT want to go there.


Batman Returns Michelle Pfeiffer


Neighbors Zac Efron

The results are in for last week's trial, and Zac Efron has been found NOT GUILTY of all charges. While there were some jury members who wanted to toss the High School Musical star in prison, most said Mr. Efron has come a long way since his Disney days, and that he's shown he has potential with movies like Neighbors, The Paperboy and Me and Orson Welles.


GUILTY Adam Sandler, Eddie Murphy, Vince Vaughn, Tim Burton, The Farrelly Brothers, Michael Bay, Jessica Alba, Ice Cube, Gerard Butler, Halle Berry, Marlon Wayans, Julia Roberts, M. Night Shyamalan , Katherine Heigl, Cuba Gooding, Jr., Tyler Perry, Cameron Diaz, Kate Hudson, Ashton Kutcher, Happy Madison Productions, Jennifer Lopez, Bruce Willis, Paul W.S. Anderson, Matthew Broderick, Sarah Jessica Parker, Brett Ratner, Rob Cohen, Renee Zellweger, Shia LaBeouf, Renny Harlin, Diane Keaton, McG, Demi Moore, King Joffrey (Game of Thrones Special), David Spade, Spike Lee, Kevin James, Joel Schumacher, Ehren Kruger, Chris Rock, Mark Steven Johnson, Mickey Rourke, Ashley Judd, Uma Thurman, Josh Duhamel, Saw Franchise (Halloween Edition), Zach Braff, Sam Worthington, Melissa McCarthy, The Wachowski Siblings, Kate Bosworth, Garry Marshall, David Goyer, Akiva Goldsman, Avi Arad, Damon Lindelof, Hayden Christensen, Dennis Dugan, Sharon Stone, Jessica Biel, Nick Swardson, Simon Kinberg, Alex & Stephen Kendrick, Eli Roth, Paranormal Activity Franchise (Halloween Edition), Kevin Hart, Tim Story

NOT GUILTY Robert De Niro, Val Kilmer, Nic Cage, John Travolta, Oliver Stone, Ben Stiller, Jim Carrey, Wes Craven, Matthew McConaughey, Robert Rodriguez, Kristen Stewart, Roland Emmerich, Kevin Costner, Sandra Bullock, Hilary Swank, Al Pacino, Keanu Reeves, Kevin Smith, Channing Tatum, Jennifer Aniston, Owen Wilson, Anna Faris, Robin Williams, Charlize Theron, Ray Liotta, Jason Statham, Paul Walker, Will Smith, Salma Hayek, Michael Cera, Johnny Depp, Ryan Reynolds, Milla Jovovich, John Singleton, Jon Voight, Jack Black, Brian De Palma, Jerry Bruckheimer, Nicole Kidman, Justin Timberlake, Freddy Krueger (Halloween Edition), Johnny Knoxville, Orlando Bloom, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Dan Aykroyd, Sylvester Stallone, Gavin Hood, Jason Lee, Jennifer Garner, Carrie-Anne Moss, Kate Beckinsale, John Cusack, Chris Columbus, Clive Owen, Terrence Howard, Andrew Niccol, Drew Barrymore, Steve Martin, Joel Silver, Michelle Rodriguez, Kiefer Sutherland, Dario Argento, Susan Sarandon, Dennis Quaid, Rob Reiner, Gwyneth Paltrow, Mel Gibson, Pierce Brosnan, Roberto Orci & Alex Kurtzman, Ivan Reitman, Stephen Sommers, Shawn Levy, Jai Courtney, Ridley Scott, Peter Jackson, Jamie Foxx, Luc Besson, Jason Reitman, Mila Kunis, Jennifer Connelly, Sienna Miller, Ben Barnes, Simon West, Len Wiseman, Brendan Fraser, Megan Fox, Neal McDonough, Cameron Crowe, Katie Holmes, Elijah Wood, Tarsem Singh, Reese Witherspoon, Burt Reynolds, Ed Helms, Sean Astin, Michael Polish, Kelsey Grammer, Queen Latifah, Mark Wahlberg, Vin Diesel, Barry Levinson, Aaron Eckhart, Luke Wilson, Martin Campbell, Blumhouse Productions, Tim Allen, Justin Long, Will Ferrell, Chris Hemsworth, Zac Efron

UPDATES: Robert De Niro, Nicolas Cage and Roland Emmerich, Jim Carrey, Robert Rodriguez and Gerard Butler, Jessica Alba, Julia Roberts and The Farrelly Brothers, Ben Stiller, Tim Burton and Shia LaBeouf, Johnny Depp, Kevin Smith & Chris Rock, Ice Cube, Owen Wilson & Vince Vaughn


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