Movie Jail: This week’s defendant is…Nick Swardson!

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This is Movie Jail, a unique maximum security prison that houses some of the worst writers, directors, actors and producers from Hollywood and beyond. Their crimes? The offenses vary from convict to convict but most of these inmates have contributed negatively to the film world to some capacity* and his or her misdeeds have covered a long enough period of time that the authorities had to intervene. In each column a defendant is put on trial, arguments are made, and then it is up to YOU, the jury, to decide if the person is guilty or not guilty of crimes against cinema. Their lives are in your hands, dude.

The Defendant

Nick Swardson

The Case

The Prosecution: Back in the Day, Grown Ups 2, A Haunted House, That's My Boy, Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star, Jack and Jill, Just Go with It, You Don't Mess With the Zohan, I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, The Benchwarmers, Malibu's Most Wanted

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, if there's one person who has a worse filmography than Adam Sandler, it's his protégé of sorts, Nick Swardson. Mr. Sandler contacted Mr. Swardson about working together in 2003, and since then, has had cameo-to-supporting roles in most of his films, including Grown Ups 2, That's My Boy, Jack and Jill and Just Go With It. His Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star (one of the worst reviewed movies of all time) and The Benchwarmers were also produced through Mr. Sandler's Happy Madison banner.

Besides not being able to remove his lips from Mr. Sandler's teet, Mr. Swardson is also up for Movie Jail because he simply isn't a gifted actor or comedian. He usually plays the same type of character (or it's a role that just requires him to act odd), and mostly sticks to toilet humor. Although that would be fine if his movies were actually decent, Mr. Swardson has a grand total of three fresh films to his credit at Rotten Tomatoes, however they certainly weren't good because of the actor, since he didn't have a ton of screen time in any of them.

Mr. Swardson hasn't fared any better as a screenwriter either. He co-wrote the scripts for Bucky Larson, The Benchwarmers and Malibu's Most Wanted, all of which were panned by critics. The prosecution knows Mr. Swardson has his fans, but we believe an overwhelming number of jury members will agree that we need to put him behind bars ASAP.

Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star Nick Swardson

The Defense: 30 Minutes or Less, Reno 911!, Grandma's Boy, Art School Confidential

Ladies and gentlemen, my client is like the Insane Clown Posse of comedic actors; hated by most, loved by few. Mr. Swardson is definitely an acquired taste, but similar to the Detroit hip hop duo, he's built a loyal following over the years, thanks to his stand up work, and his movie and television credits. Hell, there are even some who think Bucky Larson is a laugh out loud riot.

Jury members will likely argue that the only reason Mr. Swardson has a career is because of Adam Sandler, and they wouldn't be completely wrong, however he shouldn't be chastised for hooking up with the former SNL actor. At the time, my client was an up-and-coming comedian, and Mr. Sandler was the one who approached him about possibly collaborating. What was he supposed to do, say no? And hasn't it worked out pretty well for my client?

Mr. Swardson may work best in small doses, but he can be quite funny at times. The defense thought he was hilarious in Grandma's Boy and on Comedy Central's Reno 911!, and he did just fine in 30 Minutes or Less. Mr. Swardson should do more stuff outside of Happy Madison Productions though, and he could really shine with the right material.

The defense certainly isn't going to try to convince the jury that Mr. Swardson is an incredibly talented actor or is a groundbreaking comedian, but we don't think he belongs in Movie Jail.

30 Minutes or Less Nick Swardson


Has Mr. Swardson earned an extended prison sentence, or do you believe he doesn't deserve to go to Movie Jail? Should we let the actor walk, or lock him up and throw away the key? Is Nick Swardson GUILTY or NOT GUILTY?

*The cases for and against a defendant going to Movie Jail by the author are not necessarily his views and opinions but they are some of the beliefs that one would use to effectively make an argument for both sides. Not quite a devil's advocate but you get the point. Anyway, this is all in fun so don't take it too seriously. We have a separate jail for those people called "Troll Tower" and believe me you do NOT want to go there.


Just Go With It Nick Swardson Jennifer Aniston


Jessica Biel

In a slightly surprising turn of events, Jessica Biel was found GUILTY of all charges in last week's trial. It was a very close vote though, so the court is open to revisiting the case against Miss Biel, but only if the actress does something to prove that we should at least consider releasing her from Movie Jail.


GUILTY Adam Sandler, Eddie Murphy, Vince Vaughn, Tim Burton, The Farrelly Brothers, Michael Bay, Jessica Alba, Ice Cube, Gerard Butler, Halle Berry, Marlon Wayans, Julia Roberts, M. Night Shyamalan , Katherine Heigl , Cuba Gooding, Jr., Tyler Perry, Cameron Diaz, Kate Hudson, Ashton Kutcher, Happy Madison Productions, Jennifer Lopez, Bruce Willis, Paul W.S. Anderson, Matthew Broderick, Sarah Jessica Parker, Brett Ratner, Rob Cohen, Renee Zellweger, Shia LaBeouf, Renny Harlin, Diane Keaton, McG, Demi Moore, King Joffrey (Game of Thrones Special), David Spade, Spike Lee, Kevin James, Joel Schumacher, Ehren Kruger, Chris Rock, Mark Steven Johnson, Mickey Rourke, Ashley Judd, Uma Thurman, Josh Duhamel, Saw Franchise (Halloween Edition), Zach Braff, Sam Worthington, Melissa McCarthy, The Wachowski Siblings, Kate Bosworth, Garry Marshall, David Goyer, Akiva Goldsman, Avi Arad, Damon Lindelof, Hayden Christensen, Dennis Dugan, Sharon Stone, Jessica Biel

NOT GUILTY Robert De Niro, Val Kilmer, Nic Cage, John Travolta, Oliver Stone, Ben Stiller, Jim Carrey, Wes Craven, Matthew McConaughey, Robert Rodriguez, Kristen Stewart, Roland Emmerich, Kevin Costner, Sandra Bullock, Hilary Swank, Al Pacino, Keanu Reeves, Kevin Smith, Channing Tatum, Jennifer Aniston, Owen Wilson, Anna Faris, Robin Williams, Charlize Theron, Ray Liotta, Jason Statham, Paul Walker, Will Smith, Salma Hayek, Michael Cera, Johnny Depp, Ryan Reynolds, Milla Jovovich, John Singleton, Jon Voight, Jack Black, Brian De Palma, Jerry Bruckheimer, Nicole Kidman, Justin Timberlake, Freddy Krueger (Halloween Edition), Johnny Knoxville, Orlando Bloom, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Dan Aykroyd, Sylvester Stallone, Gavin Hood, Jason Lee, Jennifer Garner, Carrie-Anne Moss, Kate Beckinsale, John Cusack, Chris Columbus, Clive Owen, Terrence Howard, Andrew Niccol, Drew Barrymore, Steve Martin, Joel Silver, Michelle Rodriguez, Kiefer Sutherland, Dario Argento, Susan Sarandon, Dennis Quaid, Rob Reiner, Gwyneth Paltrow, Mel Gibson, Pierce Brosnan, Roberto Orci & Alex Kurtzman, Ivan Reitman, Stephen Sommers, Shawn Levy, Jai Courtney, Ridley Scott, Peter Jackson, Jamie Foxx, Luc Besson, Jason Reitman, Mila Kunis, Jennifer Connelly, Sienna Miller, Ben Barnes, Simon West, Len Wiseman, Brendan Fraser, Megan Fox, Neal McDonough, Cameron Crowe, Katie Holmes, Elijah Wood, Tarsem Singh, Reese Witherspoon, Burt Reynolds, Ed Helms

UPDATES: Robert De Niro, Nicolas Cage and Roland Emmerich, Jim Carrey, Robert Rodriguez and Gerard Butler, Jessica Alba, Julia Roberts and The Farrelly Brothers, Ben Stiller, Tim Burton and Shia LaBeouf, Johnny Depp, Kevin Smith & Chris Rock


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