Movie Jail: This week’s defendant is…Nicole Kidman!

Last Updated on August 2, 2021

Movie Jail

This is Movie Jail, a unique maximum security prison that houses some of the worst writers, directors, actors and producers from Hollywood and beyond. Their crimes? The offenses vary from convict to convict but most of these inmates have contributed negatively to the film world to some capacity and his or her misdeeds have covered a long enough period of time that the authorities had to intervene. In each column a defendant is put on trial, arguments are made, and then it is up to YOU, the jury, to decide if the person is guilty or not guilty of crimes against cinema. Their lives are in your hands, dude.

The Defendant

The Case

The Prosecution: Trespass, Just Go with It, Nine, Australia, The Invasion, Fur, Bewitched, The Interpreter, The Stepford Wives, The Human Stain, Practical Magic, The Peacemaker

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the prosecution chuckled quite hard when one of you asked if it was an election week with the past two "easy" trials. Popularity, acceptance…the prosecution craves not these things. The prosecution craves justice, and this week it is Nicole Kidman who must answer for her crimes. What crimes you ask? How can an actress who has been nominated (and has won) numerous acting awards even be suggested for Movie Jail?

Miss Kidman really wasn't labeled as a "serious" actress until the late 1990s and early 2000s with Eyes Wide Shut, Moulin Rogue! and The Hours. In particular, her portrayal of Virginia Woolf was praised by critics and the actress won an Oscar for her performance. Since then, she's had some hits and misses, but the prosecution's main beef with the actress is the types of films she has starred in since and her roles in them. It's like she's trying way too hard to prove she's a talented actress, even though she has an Oscar under her belt and numerous nominations. Almost every film since The Hours has the actress either emotionally cold or broken, and while she is quite good at it (probably because of the time she spent married to Tom Cruise – just kidding!) the prosecution has started to wonder if that's all she can play.

Miss Kidman also has a habit of starring in films that completely depend on her performance. The prosecution sees Birth on the defense's list of evidence, but is it really a good film or just a mediocre one with a great  performance by Miss Kidman? The same can be said for Fur and even The Paperboy. It's like she purposely picks these films because she's insecure about her talents as an actress. She has appeared in more mainstream films such as The Invasion and The Interpreter, but Miss Kidman was very bland in those movies and her comedies (Bewitched, The Stepford Wives) are just plain terrible.

Miss Kidman is obviously very talented, but is she only talented in films that require her to be incredibly intense or sad? When The Hours came out, many were calling her the next Meryl Streep. But Streep gets glowing reviews for her performance even when she stars in less serious films like Julie & Julia and Mamma Mia! Maybe you think the prosecution is nitpicking in this case against Miss Kidman, but higher expectations come with Oscar awards, and we feel like Miss Kidman should be doing bigger, better things with her career.

The Defense: The Paperboy, Stoker, Hemingway & Gellhorn, Rabbit Hole, The Golden Compass, Margot at the Wedding, Birth, Cold Mountain, Dogville, The Hours, Birthday Girl, The Others, Moulin Rouge!, Eyes Wide Shut, The Portrait of a Lady

Ladies and gentlemen, do any of you know if the prosecution has been doing Krokodil? What else could explain Miss Kidman's "nomination" for Movie Jail. Seriously, Nicole Kidman? Those Meryl Steep comparisons are well earned, and Miss Kidman is by far one of the most talented and bravest actresses working today. She takes mentally draining and demanding roles, and has been fantastic in almost each and every one of them. Miss Kidman's roles are part of the prosecution's problem with the actress, but are you really going to tell me this is a negative for the actress? That she stars in films that are "too" serious and her parts have been "too" challenging? C'mon now.

Miss Kidman should also be applauded for not just starring in "Oscar bait" films. Miss Kidman could probably have any part she wants, but she stars in controversial or interesting films like Birth and Stoker. The prosecution claims Miss Kidman is insecure by starring in films that depend on her, but the defense feels Miss Kidman is so damn good that she just takes over the film. The Paperboy actually has some great performances by John Cusack and Matthew McConaughey, however it was Miss Kidman that everyone was talking about.

The prosecution also talks about expectations, but the defense feels Miss Kidman's filmography post-Oscar is fantastic compared to other actors and actresses who have won the award and have been considered for Movie Jail. It's certainly better than Halle Berry's. Yeah, she may have been in a couple of stinkers, but her other films and roles have been so good that it's easy to forgive her for picking up a paycheck or two.

Miss Kidman should be rewarded for her work, not banished to a prison cell with Julia Roberts and Kate Hudson. Nicole Kidman for Movie Jail? Possibly the most asinine idea the defense has heard since taking over this column.


Does the prosecution have a point or is he talking out of his ass? Should we be expecting more from Miss Kidman? Or is she a great actress who just likes interesting roles? As always, it's up to you the jury: is Nicole Kidman GUILTY or NOT GUILTY?


*The cases for and against a defendant going to Movie Jail by the author are not necessarily his views and opinions but they are some of the beliefs that one would use to effectively make an argument for both sides. Not quite a devil's advocate but you get the point. Anyways, this is all in fun so don't take it too seriously. We have a separate jail for those people called "Troll Tower" and believe me you do NOT want to go there.



Oh, so Sarah Jessica Parker is GUILTY of all charges? What a surprise! Most of the jury didn't even need to read the evidence presented last week before reaching a verdict, and SJP is looking at a very long stint in Movie Jail. The actress will be sharing a cell with her husband Matthew Broderick, but things are looking up for Broderick: for each week he spends locked up with his wife, we will take three days off of his sentence. It's the least we can do.


GUILTY Adam Sandler, Eddie Murphy, Vince Vaughn, Tim Burton, The Farrelly Brothers, Michael Bay, Jessica Alba, Ice Cube, Gerard Butler, Halle Berry, Marlon Wayans, Julia Roberts, M. Night Shyamalan , Katherine Heigl , Cuba Gooding, Jr. , Tyler Perry, Cameron Diaz, Kate Hudson, Ashton Kutcher, Happy Madison Productions, Jennifer Lopez, Bruce Willis, Paul W.S. Anderson, Matthew Broderick, Sarah Jessica Parker

NOT GUILTY Robert De Niro, Val Kilmer, Nic Cage, John Travolta, Oliver Stone, Ben Stiller, Jim Carrey, Wes Craven, Matthew McConaughey, Robert Rodriguez, Kristen Stewart, Roland Emmerich, Kevin Costner, Sandra Bullock, Hilary Swank, Al Pacino, Keanu Reeves, Kevin Smith, Channing Tatum, Jennifer Aniston, Owen Wilson, Anna Faris, Robin Williams, Charlize Theron, Ray Liotta, Jason Statham, Paul Walker, Will Smith, Salma Hayek, Michael Cera, Johnny Depp, Ryan Reynolds, Milla Jovovich, John Singleton, Jon Voight, Jack Black, Brian De Palma, Jerry Bruckheimer


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