Movie Jail: This week’s defendant is…Orlando Bloom!

Movie Jail

This is Movie Jail, a unique maximum security prison that houses some of the worst writers, directors, actors and producers from Hollywood and beyond. Their crimes? The offenses vary from convict to convict but most of these inmates have contributed negatively to the film world to some capacity and his or her misdeeds have covered a long enough period of time that the authorities had to intervene. In each column a defendant is put on trial, arguments are made, and then it is up to YOU, the jury, to decide if the person is guilty or not guilty of crimes against cinema. Their lives are in your hands, dude.

The Defendant

The Case

The Prosecution: Pirates of the Caribbean series, The Calcium Kid, Troy, Haven, Elizabethtown, Kingdom of Heaven, New York, I Love You, Main Street, The Three Musketeers

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, with The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug out in less than a month and Legolas returning to the big screen, the prosecution has decided to take a look at Orlando Bloom's career. What did we find? Well, he's up for Movie Jail, so what do you think?

Mr. Bloom made a damn fine Legolas in The Lord of The Rings movies, however has he done anything else to prove he's more than just a pretty face? He wasn't bad in the Pirates of the Caribbean series, but I wouldn't say he was very memorable in those films either. Mr. Bloom hasn't done that much work outside of those two massive franchises, but when he has, it's been pretty week. The problem is Mr. Bloom just isn't a very strong actor.

Take for example Troy or Kingdom of Heaven. Neither film was critically acclaimed (although the director's cut of Kingdom of Heaven is much better than the theatrical one), but what stands out is just how bad Mr. Bloom is in both films. You can argue he was miscast for Kingdom of Heaven, but it's still the actor's job to give the best performance he can in a film, and if that is Mr. Bloom's best, then he definitely deserves some time in Movie Jail.

Troy and Kingdom of Heaven at least had potential to be great, but the same can not be said for some of the actor's other films, like New York, I Love You and The Three Musketeers. There are some movie buffs that really like Elizabethtown, but I guarantee you that even the biggest fan of Cameron Crowe's film would agree that Mr. Bloom is the worst part of the movie. Mr. Bloom is an attractive actor, but not very deep, which is actually also a perfect description of most of his films: pretty to look at, but lacking depth.

The Defense: The Lord of the Rings series, Pirates of the Caribbean series, Black Hawk Down, Troy, Ned Kelly, The Good Doctor

Ladies and gentlemen, my client might be known more for his looks than for his performances, but he's still a decent actor. The ladies love Mr. Bloom, however it's not like chick flicks and romantic comedies are his bread and butter. He may have appeared in New York, I Love You, but almost every actor has a couple of those type of movies under his belt. Mr. Bloom has actually shown he has a bit of range, although sometimes the film itself (or the other actors) has a negative impact on how we view Mr. Bloom.

The prosecution says Mr. Bloom's performance in Troy was weak, but the defense feels he was excellent in that film. Paris is supposed to be a wimpy, whiny bitch, and Mr. Bloom played him perfectly. The problem is he (and Brad Pitt, for the record) were overshadowed by Eric Bana's performance, so many people forget how good he was in the film. Elizabethtown received very mixed reviews, however Mr. Bloom is actually quite good in it, and he is far from being the worst thing in it, like the prosecution claims.

But if you want hard evidence that Mr. Bloom can do more besides look really, really good while shooting an arrow or swinging a sword, check out The Good Doctor. Mr. Bloom is incredibly creepy in it, and the defense could see the actor taking on darker roles because of his performance in that movie. Mr. Bloom has plenty of talent as an actor; it just hasn't always been showcased properly. There are many actors who deserve to be sent to Movie Jail, but Mr. Bloom isn't one of them.


Is Orland Bloom a weak actor who lucked out with The Lord of the Rings and Pirates of the Caribbean, or is he actually a good actor who just happened to star in two giant franchises? Is he the reason why critics shit on Elizabethtown and Troy, or were the problems in those films not his fault?  What's the verdict going to be for Orlando Jonathan Blanchard Bloom: GUILTY or NOT GUILTY?


*The cases for and against a defendant going to Movie Jail by the author are not necessarily his views and opinions but they are some of the beliefs that one would use to effectively make an argument for both sides. Not quite a devil's advocate but you get the point. Anyways, this is all in fun so don't take it too seriously. We have a separate jail for those people called "Troll Tower" and believe me you do NOT want to go there.



In last week's case against Johnny Knoxville, the jury has found the actor NOT GUILTY of all charges! Most of the jury said they love his Jackass movies, and without those films Mr. Knoxville would definitely be sitting in a jail cell right now. But some members of the jury also voiced their opinion that the actor is also very likable, and does a great job in several projects that are unrelated to Jackass, like The Last Stand. No Movie Jail for Johnny Knoxville, but we are going to lock up his buddy Bam Margera, because no one likes Bam.


GUILTY Adam Sandler, Eddie Murphy, Vince Vaughn, Tim Burton, The Farrelly Brothers, Michael Bay, Jessica Alba, Ice Cube, Gerard Butler, Halle Berry, Marlon Wayans, Julia Roberts, M. Night Shyamalan , Katherine Heigl , Cuba Gooding, Jr. , Tyler Perry, Cameron Diaz, Kate Hudson, Ashton Kutcher, Happy Madison Productions, Jennifer Lopez, Bruce Willis, Paul W.S. Anderson, Matthew Broderick, Sarah Jessica Parker

NOT GUILTY Robert De Niro, Val Kilmer, Nic Cage, John Travolta, Oliver Stone, Ben Stiller, Jim Carrey, Wes Craven, Matthew McConaughey, Robert Rodriguez, Kristen Stewart, Roland Emmerich, Kevin Costner, Sandra Bullock, Hilary Swank, Al Pacino, Keanu Reeves, Kevin Smith, Channing Tatum, Jennifer Aniston, Owen Wilson, Anna Faris, Robin Williams, Charlize Theron, Ray Liotta, Jason Statham, Paul Walker, Will Smith, Salma Hayek, Michael Cera, Johnny Depp, Ryan Reynolds, Milla Jovovich, John Singleton, Jon Voight, Jack Black, Brian De Palma, Jerry Bruckheimer, Nicole Kidman, Justin Timberlake, Freddy Krueger (Halloween Special), Johnny Knoxville


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