Movie Jail: This week’s defendant is…Salma Hayek!

Movie Jail

This is Movie Jail, a unique maximum security prison that houses some of the worst writers, directors, actors and producers from Hollywood and beyond. Their crimes? The offenses vary from convict to convict but most of these inmates have contributed negatively to the film world to some capacity and his or her misdeeds have covered a long enough period of time that the authorities had to intervene. In each column a defendant is put on trial, arguments are made, and then it is up to YOU, the jury, to decide if the person is guilty or not guilty of crimes against cinema. Their lives are in your hands, dude.

The Defendant

Salma Hayek

The Case

The Prosecution: Fools Rush In, Fled, Wild Wild West, After the Sunset, Lonely Hearts, Grown Ups, Here Comes the Boom, Bandidas, Savages

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, obviously in this case against Salma Hayek the prosecution has to put aside all lustful feelings we may have for the actress, as hard as that may be. Very, very hard. But one of the things we consider before bringing an actor or actress to court though is what have they have done for us (the moviegoers) lately. And Ms. Hayek hasn't been at her best as of late.

If you've been to long enough then you probably know that this site has a great love for Ms. Hayek but it is not just because of her looks that may Schmoes digg the actress. Most fans first fell for Ms. Hayek with her early work in Desperado or From Dusk Till Dawn but she soon started to receive notice from critics for being a "real" actress, peaking with an Oscar nomination for 2002's Frida.

Since then though the output from Ms. Hayek has been lacking and under whelming to be honest. Sure there was Once Upon a Time in Mexico but she was barely in it. Same goes for Across the Universe and to a certain extent Cirque Du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant. Ms Hayek has had lead parts in recent films but the prosecution feels that movies such as Savages and Bandidas did not live up to their full potential. This would be fine if Ms. Hayek was a part of at least one really good movie every couple of years or played a recurring character in a major franchise. People love her, she act and she is so hot that this scene from Desperado probably actually happens to her at least three times a day.

Instead we get to see her in the upcoming Grown Ups 2 playing Adam Sandler's f*cking wife again. The only thing less believable or appealing was Here Comes the Boom with her love interest being Kevin James. It'd be one thing if those movies were particularly good but they're not.

Ms. Hayek hasn't been bad in most of these roles but these recent movies do not allow her to shine. She starred in some other under par films early in her career (Fled, Fools Rush In) but shouldn't she have moved up in the food chain at this point? The prosecution dares you to bring her age up as a reason why because…well have you looked at her?

In closing the prosecution deep down cares for Ms. Hayek and does not want to see things spiral downward for the actress. She needs some time to think about what to do next and maybe get into a playful pillow fight with one of her fellow inmates in the women's wing of Movie Jail.

Salma Hayek

The Defense: Desperado, From Dusk Till Dawn, 54, Dogma, Chain of Fools, Frida, Once Upon a Time in Mexico, Savages

Ladies and gentlemen, the defense thinks the prosecution is confused about Ms. Hayek's role in Hollywood. That is because her's is fairly unique. My client is indeed one of the most beautiful women in the world and she isn't just eye candy but more importantly Ms. Hayek has owned her beauty. She knows she's stunning yet isn't smug or shallow about it in real life so it does seem believable she could be with Adam Sandler or Kevin James. In film anyway.

While she did receive quite a bit of critical acclaim for Frida Ms. Hayek was never going to become the next Meryl Streep and I believe my client knows this. Frida was a passion project of sorts for the actress and she also personally helped get the film made. Without my client's involvement there's a good chance the film would not have happened. But it did because Ms. Hayek felt like Frida Kahlo's story was an important one to tell. She wasn't trying to force feed us political views, religion or her "brand" like many celebrities have done with personal projects.

Ms. Hayek can be a great lead but its her secondary roles that are almost most memorable, one of the reasons why she has had some small parts in films. Perfect example: Dogma. In another actresses' hands the character could have come off as slutty or naive/stupid yet we don't look at her as just another stripper because of Ms. Hayek's credibility as a person and as a performer.

So how is Ms. Hayek's position "unique"? Because she's not expected to be in films that will net her an Oscar nomination every year but we also know she's not going to constantly show up in multiple romantic comedies. Ms. Hayek does what she wants because she has can. She'll occasionally have a small part or appear in a bad movie but it never tarnishes her image, nor should it.

Maybe she's been in some unimpressive films lately but blame her agent, not my client. But Ms. Hayek's been in the game long enough that a few misses and some minor roles won't affect her future films or overall career. The defense believes in the jury and knows that they will do the right thing and make sure Salma Hayek never, ever has to be subjected to the dirty floors and beds of Movie Jail. Vote with your heart people.

Salma Hayek


Is it time for Movie Jail for Salma Hayek? Are her recent films just a rough patch or is it a sign of things to come? Is the idea of her getting a cell at a women's prison with Halle Berry and Jessica Alba as bunkmates hot enough to get her thrown in to Movie Jail or is prison too harsh for such a beautiful flower? How many times will the prosecution's testosterone levels be joked about in the Strike Back? The important thing though is if Salma Hayek is GUILTY or NOT GUILTY.


*The cases for and against a defendant going to Movie Jail by the author are not necessarily his views and opinions but they are some of the beliefs that one would use to effectively make an argument for both sides. Not quite a devil's advocate but you get the point. Anyways, this is all in fun so don't take it too seriously. We have a separate jail for those people called "Troll Tower" and believe me you do NOT want to go there.


Salma Hayek


Will Smith

Will Smith had a rough week on besides his trial but the Fresh Prince should be pleased that the jury came to his defense and the actor has been found NOT GUILTY….of most charges. While there were quite a few "Aww hell no!" from the jury the voting ended up being very close. Many agreed that Mr. Smith has played it too safe with his film selections and some of this business with his son, After Earth and Django Unchained certainly didn't help his case. Mr. Smith is free to go but Movie Jail is keeping a close eye on the actor. If he's not careful it'll be "A Nightmare on My Street" for Big Willie.


GUILTY Adam Sandler, Eddie Murphy, Vince Vaughn, Tim Burton, The Farrelly Brothers, Michael Bay, Jessica Alba, Ice Cube, Gerard Butler, Halle Berry, Marlon Wayans, Julia Roberts, M. Night Shyamalan , Katherine Heigl , Cuba Gooding, Jr. , Tyler Perry, Cameron Diaz, Kate Hudson

NOT GUILTY Robert De Niro, Val Kilmer, Nic Cage, John Travolta, Oliver Stone, Ben Stiller, Jim Carrey, Wes Craven, Matthew McConaughey, Robert Rodriguez, Kristen Stewart, Roland Emmerich, Kevin Costner, Sandra Bullock, Hilary Swank, Al Pacino, Keanu Reeves, Kevin Smith, Channing Tatum, Jennifer Aniston, Owen Wilson, Anna Faris, Robin Williams, Charlize Theron, Ray Liotta, Jason Statham, Paul Walker, Will Smith


About the Author