Movie Jail: This week’s defendant is…Kiefer Sutherland!

Last Updated on August 2, 2021

Movie Jail

This is Movie Jail, a unique maximum security prison that houses some of the worst writers, directors, actors and producers from Hollywood and beyond. Their crimes? The offenses vary from convict to convict but most of these inmates have contributed negatively to the film world to some capacity and his or her misdeeds have covered a long enough period of time that the authorities had to intervene. In each column a defendant is put on trial, arguments are made, and then it is up to YOU, the jury, to decide if the person is guilty or not guilty of crimes against cinema. Their lives are in your hands, dude.

The Defendant

The Case

The Prosecution: Pompeii, The Reluctant Fundamentalist, Marmaduke, Twelve, Mirrors, The Wild, The Sentinel, River Queen, Taking Lives, Paradise Found, Desert Saints, The Right Temptation, Cowboy Up, Woman Wanted, Picking Up the Pieces, After Alice, Break Up, Eye for an Eye, The Cowboy Way, The Vanishing, Renegades

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before you scroll down to the Strikeback and chew me out for putting Kiefer Sutherland on the stand, hear me out. Yes, Mr. Sutherland has been great on 24 as Jack Bauer, and his commitment to the television series means he has had less time for movies. However, when he has appeared on the big screen in recent years it's mostly been in films that are just plain bad, or below his talents.

One would think for all the awards and praise he's received over the years for his role on 24, Mr. Sutherland would use the success of his series to land great roles in interesting projects. Unfortunately, he has instead appeared in films like Pompeii, Marmaduke, and Mirrors. And while it was probably an easy gig being the narrator in Twelve, shouldn't he be working on bigger and better things? Seriously, are these really best roles being offered to Mr. Sutherland?

Mr. Sutherland also isn't too picking when deciding what projects he wants to work on. The actor has appeared in a ton of crap most jury members probably don't remember, like The Cowboy Way, Eye for an Eye, and Taking Lives. These films might not be the ones you immediately go to when thinking about the actor, but that doesn't make them any less bad. In addition, Mr. Sutherland doesn't have a lot of items in his actor's toolbox, and in the prosecution's opinion, he has relied a little too much on his trademark half-whisper and intense yelling in recent years.

Mr. Sutherland was paid a ridiculous amount of money while playing Jack Bauer on 24, and the prosecution thinks the money has made him a little lazy. Let's remind him there are consequences for starring in garbage by sending him to Movie Jail, even if it's only for a couple of weeks. A slap on the wrist can only help Mr. Sutherland, and maybe after spending some time behind bars, he'll start working on more impressive projects.

The Defense: 24, Melancholia, Monsters vs Aliens, Phone Booth, Behind the Red Door, Dead Heat, To End All Wars, Ground Control, Dark City, Truth or Consequences, N.M., Freeway, A Time to Kill, The Last Days of Frankie the Fly, The Three Musketeers, A Few Good Men, Article 99, Flatliners, Flashback, 1969, Young Guns 1 & 2, The Lost Boys, Crazy Moon, Stand By Me, The Bay Boy, Max Dugan Returns

Ladies and gentlemen, the defense is fairly certain he could use "Jack Bauer, FTW!" as an argument and win this trial without breaking a sweat, but if the prosecution wants to play this game, so be it.

I'm sorry my client hasn't recently appeared in films the prosecution has liked, but he's been a little busy saving the world numerous times on 24. However, even while working on the television series Mr. Sutherland has managed to star in some pretty great films like Phone Booth and Melancholia, and he was excellent in them as well.

Some actors will always get a free pass because of their older films, regardless of the quality of their most recent work, and that's definitely the case with my client. Mr. Sutherland will always be remembered for movies like The Lost Boys and Stand By Me, not f*cking Marmaduke. The prosecution isn't saying we should ignore his crappy movies, however they certainly don't define his career, unlike some of the actors currently serving sentences in Movie Jail.

The prosecution complains about my client's acting style, but it's really something he's been doing for years, and is also one of the reasons why we love the guy. To say his skills as an actor are limited is complete bullshit in the defense's opinion, and it's not like Mr. Sutherland has been playing Jack Bauer-esque characters in all of his most recent movies either.

The prosecution is a fool if he thinks the jury is going to find Mr. Sutherland guilty of any charges. Obviously he doesn't realize how much people love The Lost Boys and 24, and I believe the jury isn't going to be pleased to see Mr. Sutherland being considered for Move Jail.


What should we do with The Kief? Does he deserve Movie Jail, or do you think the prosecution's argument is ridiculous? Should we expect more from Mr. Sutherland, or are you happy with his most recent projects not called 24? Is Kiefer Sutherland GUILTY or NOT GUILTY?


*The cases for and against a defendant going to Movie Jail by the author are not necessarily his views and opinions but they are some of the beliefs that one would use to effectively make an argument for both sides. Not quite a devil's advocate but you get the point. Anyways, this is all in fun so don't take it too seriously. We have a separate jail for those people called "Troll Tower" and believe me you do NOT want to go there.



Last week's trial was a close one, but in the end, Michelle Rodriguez was found NOT GUILTY of all charges. While there were a wide variety of opinions on Miss Rodriguez (from "Why the hell is she on trial?" to "She plays the same character every time and I'm sick of it"), most jury member did agree on one thing: she is incredibly hot. Thank your mom for your good genes Miss Rodriguez, because without them, you're ass would probably be in Movie Jail right now.


GUILTY Adam Sandler, Eddie Murphy, Vince Vaughn, Tim Burton, The Farrelly Brothers, Michael Bay, Jessica Alba, Ice Cube, Gerard Butler, Halle Berry, Marlon Wayans, Julia Roberts, M. Night Shyamalan , Katherine Heigl , Cuba Gooding, Jr., Tyler Perry, Cameron Diaz, Kate Hudson, Ashton Kutcher, Happy Madison Productions, Jennifer Lopez, Bruce Willis, Paul W.S. Anderson, Matthew Broderick, Sarah Jessica Parker, Brett Ratner, Rob Cohen, Renee Zellweger, Shia LaBeouf, Renny Harlin, Diane Keaton, McG, Demi Moore, King Joffrey (Game of Thrones Special), David Spade, Spike Lee, Kevin James, Joel Schumacher

NOT GUILTY Robert De Niro, Val Kilmer, Nic Cage, John Travolta, Oliver Stone, Ben Stiller, Jim Carrey, Wes Craven, Matthew McConaughey, Robert Rodriguez, Kristen Stewart, Roland Emmerich, Kevin Costner, Sandra Bullock, Hilary Swank, Al Pacino, Keanu Reeves, Kevin Smith, Channing Tatum, Jennifer Aniston, Owen Wilson, Anna Faris, Robin Williams, Charlize Theron, Ray Liotta, Jason Statham, Paul Walker, Will Smith, Salma Hayek, Michael Cera, Johnny Depp, Ryan Reynolds, Milla Jovovich, John Singleton, Jon Voight, Jack Black, Brian De Palma, Jerry Bruckheimer, Nicole Kidman, Justin Timberlake, Freddy Krueger (Halloween Special), Johnny Knoxville, Orlando Bloom, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Dan Aykroyd, Sylvester Stallone, Gavin Hood, Jason Lee, Jennifer Garner, Carrie-Anne Moss, Kate Beckinsale, John Cusack, Chris Columbus, Clive Owen, Terrence Howard, Andrew Niccol, Drew Barrymore, Steve Martin, Joel Silver, Michelle Rodriguez


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