Movie Jail: This week’s defendant is…Kristen Stewart!

Welcome to Movie Jail, a facility like any other, only its inmates are Hollywood

writers, directors, actors and producers. This column will serve as a

Movie Jail

trial. We will put one defendant on trial; lay out arguments for the Prosecution and

Defense. And we leave it up to YOU, the reader, to decide whether the


is guilty of his or her crime. What crime? The crime of consistently being a stinking




Kristen Stewart



Note: We are going to try something a little different this week. 1) We’re finally putting an actress on trial and B) Since the case is already so strong against this defendant around the internet and the world, this week, only the Defense will attempt to sway the jury into acquitting the defendant.

The Defense:

Ladies and Gentleman of the jury, the defense understands that we’re facing an uphill battle by representing Ms. Stewart. But what is this court if we can just blindly throw an actor/actress in Movie Jail without due process? Anarchy, is what it is (remember, remember the 5th of November). We feel that Ms. Stewart is being charged as guilty for nothing more than being associated with a very successful and uber popular series: The Twilight Saga. Twihards gonna Twi…hard, and the natural response to any big kind of pop culture “event” such as boy bands, TV shows, and film/book series, is to immediately hate everything and everyone associated with it. See: The Twilight Saga. See: Justin Bieber and the Beliebers. See: 50 Shades of Grey. Had another actress other than KStew been cast in the role of Bella Swan, they’d receive the same kind of backlash Ms. Stewart has.

Aside from her turn in the The Twilight Saga, where she’s only obligated to stare blankly and bite her lip, the defense feels that some of KStew’s other work isn’t so ungodly horrible to garner a Movie Jail sentence. She was decent in Into the Wild and Jumper, and her films as a kid in Panic Room and Zathura showed promise. Granted they’re not major starring roles for the California born actress, but she’s still young and has her whole future ahead of her.

We even liked her in Adventureland and enjoyed her take on Snow White in Snow White and the Huntsman, which at the end of the day, was a good little movie that wasn’t at all encumbered by her performance. Let’s not forget, KStew is only 22 and could very well develop into a solid A list actress, depending on the roles she takes from now on. Is the court not willing to be fair and see how her career plays out? Also, we liked that part when she kicked Edward to the curb in real life. We forgot his name.



So, what’s to be done with Ms. Kristen Stewart? Is her turn as Bella Swan really enough to throw her in Movie Jail? Or is she just awful in general? Are you willing to wait and see the path she takes in her career before deciding? And the

most important question to be asked, once all evidence is taken into

consideration, we ask

you The Jury, is Kristin Stewart GUILTY or NOT GUILTY? Let’s hear YOUR

arguments, either side, by STRIKING BACK BELOW.

*The court recognizes that all movies are subjective, so






It is the jury’s decision that after reviewing

last week’s evidence, the court finds Robert Rodriguez

NOT GUILTY of all charges. By almost a 2 to 1 margin, the jury concluded that the prosecution was out of its mind by throwing El Chingon himself on the stand in the first place. But then again, the intensity of the jury members who fought for his acquittal, was equally matched by the jury members who wanted him guilty. Examples: “Are you fucking kidding me? So not guilty!” and “Fuck this fucking guy, SO GUILTY!”.



Eddie Murphy

Vince Vaughn

Tim Burton

The Farrelly


Michael Bay

Robert De




Nic Cage



Oliver Stone

Ben Stiller

Jim Carrey

Wes Craven

Matthew McConaughey

Robert Rodriguez


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