Movie Jail: This week’s defendant is…Paul Walker!

Movie Jail

This is Movie Jail, a unique maximum security prison that houses some of the worst writers, directors, actors and producers from Hollywood and beyond. Their crimes? The offenses vary from convict to convict but most of these inmates have contributed negatively to the film world to some capacity and his or her misdeeds have covered a long enough period of time that the authorities had to intervene. In each column a defendant is put on trial, arguments are made, and then it is up to YOU, the jury, to decide if the person is guilty or not guilty of crimes against cinema. Their lives are in your hands, dude.

The Defendant

Paul Walker

The Case

The Prosecution: Meet the Deedles, The Skulls, Timeline, Into the Blue, Eight Below, The Death and Life of Bobby Z, The Lazarus Project, Takers, Vehicle 19

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the prosecution believes Movie Jail was created specifically for actors like Paul William Walker IV and will prove to you that the actor is more than deserving of a cell. Some inmates of Movie Jail are guilty of appearing in a few too many bad movies while other actors are just guilty of not having enough talent. Mr. Walker is guilty of both charges.

If you take a look at Mr. Walker's filmography the actor hasn't really appeared in that many films but an overwhelming number of them are bad. The prosecution might be able to look past Meet the Deedles due to childhood nostalgia but films like The Skulls, Timeline and Into the Blue are just too terrible to be ignored. His most recent films outside of Fast and Furious have been just as awful, such as The Death and Life of Bobby Z, The Lazarus Project and Takers. The prosecution has also heard that Vehicle 19 is spectacularly bad.

Speaking of Fast and Furious the prosecution believes Mr. Walker only receives work today because of the franchise, yet the actor is probably the least significant part of the series. While Mr. Walker's character might be "important" to the film's story the prosecution feels that very few people saw Fast and Furious 6 over the weekend solely because of the actor and Mr. Walker is probably at least sixth or seventh on the list of reasons why people went to see the film. The point the prosecution is trying to make: Mr. Walker needs Fast and Furious but they do not need him. And the few times Mr. Walker has appeared in a halfway decent movie he is typically the weakest actor in the film or just very, very bland.

Bottom line: Mr. Walker is a sub-par actor that doesn't pick the best films to appear in and is incredibly lucky the Fast and Furious franchise is still standing and that they still want him in those movies. The prosecution rests.

Paul Walker

The Defense: Pleasantville, Varsity Blues, She's All That, Joy Ride, Running Scared, Flags of Our Fathers, The Fast and Furious series

Ladies and gentlemen this may seem like a slam dunk case to the jury and the prosecution but the defense wants all of you to take a closer look at Mr. Walker's career. While no one is going to say some of his films and roles from the 90s are Oscar worthy, the actor was actually pretty good as Freddie Prinze Jr.'s scummy friend in She's All That and even better as the injured starting quarterback from Varsity Blues. The defense wants to also make it clear that we feel that Mr. Walker is very underrated in Pleasantville.

The prosecution listed off some of Mr. Walker's worst movies but every actor has a few shit stains on their resume and the defense would argue that for as bad of an actor the prosecution claims Mr. Walker to be that there should be more terrible films to his credit. It's not like Mr. Walker sold his soul to romantic comedies long ago or is still stuck playing a high school/college student even though he's 39. Joy Ride and Running Scared are both solid films and the prosecution is pretty sure that if Mr. Walker's acting was really an issue Clint Eastwood would never have cast him in Flags of Our Fathers.

The defense also wishes to point out that Mr. Walker has other passions besides acting: he is also a car enthusiasts and loves marine biology. In fact he joined the Board of Directors of The Billfish Foundation in 2006 and also starred in the National Geographic Channel series Expedition Great White in 2010 where he spent seven days tagging great white sharks. So maybe the actor doesn't have that many film credits because he simply enjoys other things in life. The Fast and Furious franchise is obviously very lucrative for the actor and it probably means that Mr. Walker doesn't have to appear in a half dozen movies a year just to survive.

Did Mr. Walker luck out? Perhaps but you can't fault him for that and in Hollywood you need all the luck you can get sometimes. And if having one franchise under his belt means the actor is free to pursue other things he enjoys in life, shouldn't we just be happy for Mr. Walker instead of trying to tear him down? I'm sure many members of the jury wouldn't mind being stuck in a similar situation so remember that as you decide Mr. Walker's fate.

Paul Walker


Is Paul Walker guilty of being a bad actor that also appears in bad movies or is he a limited actor just trying to get by? Is Mr. Walker's filmography a reflection of his talents or typical of that of a working actor? And can any film from the actor's career make up for Timeline? We ask you the jury: is Paul Walker GUILTY or NOT GUILTY?


*The cases for and against a defendant going to Movie Jail by the author are not necessarily his views and opinions but they are some of the beliefs that one would use to effectively make an argument for both sides. Not quite a devil's advocate but you get the point. Anyways, this is all in fun so don't take it too seriously. We have a separate jail for those people called "Troll Tower" and believe me you do NOT want to go there.


Paul Walker


Jason Statham

In last week's trial of Jason Statham, the jury has found the actor NOT GUILTY of all charges. Most of the jury agreed that while it would be nice to see Mr. Statham branch out just a little bit, you do know what you're going to get each time you watch a film with the actor and there's not a damn thing wrong with that. Mr. Statham doesn't appear in films where he bumps into a girl on the street and they fall in love or suddenly has to take care of a small child and hijinks ensue. Mr. Statham is an action star and more importantly, OUR action star. The prosecution is currently hiding from Mr. Statham in an undisclosed location.


GUILTY Adam Sandler, Eddie Murphy, Vince Vaughn, Tim Burton, The Farrelly Brothers, Michael Bay, Jessica Alba, Ice Cube, Gerard Butler, Halle Berry, Marlon Wayans, Julia Roberts, M. Night Shyamalan , Katherine Heigl , Cuba Gooding, Jr. , Tyler Perry, Cameron Diaz

NOT GUILTY Robert De Niro, Val Kilmer, Nic Cage, John Travolta, Oliver Stone, Ben Stiller, Jim Carrey, Wes Craven, Matthew McConaughey, Robert Rodriguez, Kristen Stewart, Roland Emmerich, Kevin Costner, Sandra Bullock, Hilary Swank, Al Pacino, Keanu Reeves, Kevin Smith, Channing Tatum, Jennifer Aniston, Owen Wilson, Anna Faris, Robin Williams, Charlize Theron, Ray Liotta, Jason Statham


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