Written
by Serena Whitney
With the release of the slasher flick
HOUSE OF WAX, I
thought I would make a top ten list out of the one thing that annoys me the most
while watching one of these movies; the brainless and helpless girls that
inhabit them. Granted, if you’re watching these movies at home with your friends, and
playing drinking games with rules such as: Take two shots if a girl is running
away from a killer without a top, or take 3 shots if a girl trips on her
stilettos and twists her ankle, then watching these girls can be quite fun.
But, if you paid a lot of money to see one of these movies in a theatre, and
you’re sitting there sober, appalled, and ashamed of your gender, then watching
these girls are not so fun. Now I’m sure there are plenty more girls I could
have chosen for this list, (In this genre they’re a dime a dozen) but these are
the few that caused me to say, “What are you f*cking crazy?!!!”
PART 1
*** Beware of spoilers and enjoy! ***
10. Mya / Cursed
It is still early in the year for picking out helpless
victims of 2005, (I’m sure if I’ve seen House of Wax already, Paris Hilton would
be charting my list) but this R&B singer seems to be an early contender. Her
cat and mouse scene with the cheesy CGI generated werewolf (which is probably
the only memorable sequence worth mentioning in this “cursed” flick) was
surprisingly frightening, and when she gets trapped in the elevator, we all know
she’s done for. Maybe I’m being a little harsh by calling her dumb, but why in
the world would you attempt to stick your head out of an elevator door, when
only moments before, a huge werewolf was trying to rip it apart? Do you have a
death wish? I know, I know. I’m being a little too hard on this girl. The
werewolf was going to get in, whether she stuck her head out or not, but geez…that
was just STUPID.
9.
Emmanuelle Chriqui / Wrong Turn
I really wished the inbred cannibals had taken this girl
out first. The second terror strikes, this girl is ready to wave the white flag
and give up. From that point on, her only functions consist of going catatonic
and showing off her navel. We are also punished by watching this character
bitch and whine and often crying out, “I can’t! I can’t go on. I
just…CAN’T!!!” My opinion of this movie would have been a whole lot better if
they had either Desmond Harrington’s or Eliza Dushku’s characters bitch slapping
this dead weight while saying, “Get the f*ck up and shut the hell up! You can
and WILL keep moving, unless you want to become the next ingredient in psycho
hill-billy stew, and if that’s the case, see ya and wouldn’t want to be ya!”
Now that would have been rewind-worthy.
8.
Kelly Rowland / Freddy Vs. Jason
This Destiny’s Child plays Kia, the obligatory urban
presence in a horror film. When this diva meets her demise, you can’t help but
cringe. The cringing however does NOT come from her death itself, (in fact,
most of the audience finds this relieving) it comes from what led up to it. Kia
makes the fatal mistake of trying to escape death by trying to “street talk”
Freddy out of killing her. Yes, that’s right. “Street talk” her way out of
it. This is extremely sad to watch, considering the fact that the
screenwriters of this cheesy movie are the farthest thing from “street” there
is. You can literally see the dialogue being forced out of Miss Rowland’s
mouth. And you wonder why Beyonce has got all the limelight.
7.
Amanda Detmer / Final Destination
Who walks BACKWARDS into the street and NOT notice a huge
bus coming their way? Two words. Peripheral vision. Unless you are completely
blind, you should be able to tell from the side of your eye if you are about to
be plowed by a big f*cking bus. Granted, this character was doomed from the
moment she stepped off the plane, and was probably going to die anyways in some
other lucrative and imaginative way, but come on!! Use some common sense, girl!
Didn’t your mother teach you to look both ways before crossing the damn street?
6.
Lindy Booth / Dawn of the Dead (remake)
Tell me I wasn’t the only person who screamed out, “You
idiot!” when this girl risked her life (as well as the others who had to save
her dumb ass) to rescue….a dog. A dog that wasn’t hers. A dog that wasn’t even
in danger from being eaten from the zombies in the first place! I have a dog.
She’s been in my family for seven years now, but there ain’t no way I would risk
being eaten to save her tank ass. This character was useless! Completely
useless! A prime example of this is when all of the characters were fixing
their getaway vehicles, and what was her job? Spray painting. Yes, spray
painting. Let’s just call even more attention to the flesh eating zombies shall
we? (sigh) They should have left her dog loving ass in that tiny closet.
CLICK
HERE FOR PART 2 (# 5-1)
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